No Grunting

There are a couple of recent articles based on some critical scholarly research that I want to bring to your attention. I will provide the links and I expect you to pore through these as thoroughly as I used to study for my college exams.

The first one discusses the benefits of grunting while working out and whether it will help you in the pursuit of a perfectly toned body, like mine. Personally, I don't grunt while working out. I used to grunt while working, until my Belgian boss had a chat with me. The article points out that one of the grunters, in Wappingers Falls, NY, not far from my beloved hometown, got kicked out of the gym. Maybe they should post “No Grunting” signs.

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=84761

Speaking of working out, I’ve noticed that most women at the gym have cute workout outfits, while the guys are generally in ratty t-shirts and shorts that are probably relics from their high school days. This may be a big opportunity for me. My brainchild, “Metrosexual Gym Togs”, could become a lucrative niche market.

The other article stated that women are judged more harshly than men when they cry. They cited the recent Ellen Degeneres dog fiasco show. When I heard about Iggy, I started misting up too. Then I realized she was referring to a dog, and not one of my personal heroes, Iggy Pop. But I don’t want people to get the idea that I’m a gusher. I’d say I don’t cry more than once a month. It generally coincides with the days my wife cooks dinner.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21457366/

Did anyone see that Britney Spears’ mom is writing a parenting book? Maybe I’ll write a biochemistry text, which is something I know nothing about.

The Edgy Edge of Edginess

I’m feeling edgy today. I don’t know why. It has nothing to do with Bush the Idiot’s mention of WWIII. Watching him deal with the press makes me cringe, yet I’m somehow optimistic that he won’t start another war in his last 15 months in office.

It’s not work. Things are pretty much status quo there and the paychecks keep showing up every other Friday. I did get a funny voice mail yesterday, from one of the many faceless individuals I deal with at what I'll call the BIG PHONE COMPANY. That's pretty much all there is left after the recent consolidation in the telecom industry. They broke everything apart back in '82 with the Modified Final Judgement. Gee, that sounds ominous, doesn't it? Now they've put Humpty Dumpty back together again, pretty much anyway. But it was not my intent to give a primer on telecommunications history so I’ll get back to my voice mail. The caller was seeking information and requested I call her. She also gave me the option of responding to one of the several emails she sent me. Whoops! I didn’t want to get the reputation of being an unresponsive customer so I got right on the horn. We had a nice chat and got everything squared away. I take pride in my people skills.

Hey There Delilah, are you tired of this song yet?

Say It Ain’t So, Sting

I was reading the entertainment news on my work pager yesterday. It told me that Blender magazine had declared Sting the worst rock lyricist, citing "mountainous pomposity" and "cloying spirituality". Ouch! I hope they don't read my blog. It looks like Stinga Dinga is not getting props in his old age. The Exec's wife hates it when I call him that. I think I came up with the handle during one of our communal vacations, spending quality time in a Tuscan villa. Since Sting also has a Tuscan villa, we were on the lookout for him, regardless of the fact that Tuscany is bigger than New Jersey. A week in Tuscany is typical for my posse. We have more money than brains. We ought to be socking it away for a rainy day. I'm planning on taking a leave of absence in 2009 and take the family on a two month world tour, courtesy of my 401k. Who the hell needs a retirement fund anyway?

That Italian vacation also featured #1 and family. The adults all had a dinner one night in Florence. On the way home, my wife and Mrs. Exec were up front, ignoring us completely. The Exec and I, half in the bag, entertained ourselves by making fun of the names of towns as we passed. There were three in particular that got us going; Badesse, Bottai, and Bargino. There were many variations on the theme of “Don’t barge in here in a bowtie, badass”. It was funny at the time.

Flu Season

I see Safeway now has flu shots. I went to talk to the manager about possibly providing zombie shots. I explained that he has a built in market. He wasn’t very receptive so I went to pick up a few items for my mushroom and asparagus risotto. It has just a hint of saffron and my kids love it. But I passed on the shot. I get my flu shots at work. My employer also offers dry cleaning, oil changes, on-site dentistry etc. I guess they don't want us going anywhere. Crank up the productivity meter.

In that same vein, I've been avoiding getting the ubiquitous all in one device - phone, email, internet access, PDA - my Foster City chums always take on our camping trips. But the new one that has just been put on the market has caught my eye. It offers all that and more. One end has a retractable motorized brush to buff up your brogans. The other end has a Swiss Army knife, replete with plastic toothpick. I have to have it!

What I don’t have to have is a door to door meat salesman. I was busy this afternoon taking care of husbandly duties, i.e. cleaning the kitchen, when the doorbell rang. The gentleman at my portal informed me that he’d like to show me his chicken and steak. Huh? Is that some kind of code pal? I have to admit that I was a bit terse with him. I let him know, in no uncertain terms, that I had absolutely no interest in seeing his chicken and steak. What the hell is the world coming to? If he had tried to sell me a vacuum cleaner, I would have given him the bum’s rush, but it wouldn’t have caught me so off guard. I should have told him that I brave the zombies at Safeway on a weekly basis to get my meat.

Did anyone see Bruce on 60 Minutes last night? He’s still The Boss!

Telecommute Central

I’ll be working from home this week since son #2 is not feeling well. He’ll be back to normal in no time. He’s like me in that all he needs to keep him happy is his toys and food. I’m stuck using ancient DSL technology to connect back to the office. I’d have that DS3 in by now but I made a fatal error. I invited the Belgian boss over for dinner a few weeks back. When he saw ATT trenching out in front of my house, he got curious. The next day he put the kibosh on my DS3 order. I’m pissed.

Son #2 is not giving me any trouble but son #1 is. I’m engulfed in paperwork, trying to help him out with college applications, writing scholarly papers for his AP classes, etc. You’d think the kid would be grateful but all he ever says when he see me is “Food!” Add that to the fact that he deleted one of my new episodes of The Family Guy in retribution for some perceived slight. I wonder if he applies to a college for early decision, we can get them to take him early, like next week.

I stopped by 4M’s yesterday to pick up some tomatoes. We have BLTs on the menu this week so it was worth the visit. I’ve always relied on the kindness of strange people. He lives in one of San Jose’s up and coming neighborhoods, which is being aided by the remodel taking place at his crib. That started when he got back in the music business. He’s been flush since the boy band he founded, Fuchsia Five, hit is big.