I'm Stunned

I thought the Mayan calendar said Kim Kardashian's marriage wasn't supposed to end until 2012.

Blotter

I just got back from the club. I was there for a tribathalon. I noticed that some people did not get the memo. Spandex is only intended for a subset of the population. I'll head back this afternoon to take SB2 for a swim. Then I'll come home and watch the Niners. I'm a fan again since they're winning.

Since all I've heard from my former employer in the writing business is crickets, I've decided to bring one of my more popular features, the police blotter review, to the blog. That's right, I'm taking the franchise private. It may be slightly different as I no longer need to dial it back for public consumption. There was not much to work with this month, but then again, this one is a freebie. Without further adieu, here it is, with the verbatim blotter item in plain text and my comments in italics.

10:31 a.m., Chess Drive: A rental company reported a truck wasn’t returned when it was due back.

Don't you guys have a half hour grace period or something?

11:39 a.m., Edgewater Boulevard: A business complained that a delivery truck blocked their customer parking.

Don't you guys have a half hour grace period or something?

11:41 a.m., Jamba Juice on Metro Center Boulevard: Yellow cab driver fled after backing into another car. Cab described as Lincoln Towne with billboard signage advertising 107.7 FM.

That cab sounds like one sweet ride.

12:56 p.m., Foster’s Landing Apartments on Bounty Drive: A Good Samaritan found a bicycle and brought it into the police station, where the owner picked it up shortly afterwards

Just like the tale from the New Testament.

7:16 p.m., Killdeer Park on Killdeer Court: Police received a report of a person being chased by a small unleashed dog, but the dog was gone by the time the cops showed up.

The Taco Bell chihuahua strikes again.

9:17 a.m., Franciscan Apartments on Foster City Boulevard: A property manager reported a man pilfering recyclables from an apartment complex, but the burglar got away on his bicycle by the time the cops showed up.

If your getting rid of shit, it's not exactly pilfering.

3:26 a.m., Sea Spray Lane: An identity thief opened a credit card in a Foster City resident’s name.

SOB

10:07 p.m., Comet Drive: A motorist complained to police that a vandal has repeatedly put feces on their car.

How do you know that the Taco Bell chihuahua didn't jump up there and drop one?

5:08 p.m., Sea Cloud Park on Sea Cloud Drive: Police were summoned to mediate a dispute between parents at a children’s soccer game after receiving complaints of a disturbance.

Soccer moms have always frightened me.

The Rickster, Rickorama

I glanced at the news yesterday. Rick Perry said that he should not have participated in the Republican debates. He also said that Obama was an American citizen. Holy shit Rick! When was the last time you were right twice in the same day?

Unfortunately Donald Trump is doubting the authenticity of Obama's birth certificate. Hey pal, I'm not sure all of your wife's body parts are authentic but I don't go making a big deal about it, do I?

The media outlet formerly known as my journalistic home was running a story about local mail delivery, with several comments from the peanut gallery. Apparently there have been some route changes and missed deliveries. One of my ex-readers said that we should have been notified. I chimed in, saying "Maybe they sent the notification in the mail". I so funny.

Moammar No Mo'

Well, they finally got the bastard. What he was thinking not bailing out of there earlier, I have no clue. Maybe nobody would give him asylum. I guess I should read the news more closely. But then I'd be treated to graphic pics like I was today on The Google. I could do without that. I remember when I was a kid and the hometown newspaper put a picture of three dudes getting hung on the front page. That creeped me out big time and I'll never forget it.

In happier news, I made a stop at BevMo today. The clerk asked me if I had my BevMo card. I said "Yeah, what's it to ya?" Then as he gave me my receipt, he also handed me a card for a survey so I could tell them about my "experience". I said I'd like him to tell me what his experience dealing with me was like. I told him not to pull any punches, but that discussion went nowhere.

Late

Bless me readers, for I have sinned. It's been eleven days since my last post.

I was going to put something up here last week regarding the hullabaloo with Hank Jr. but then I figured enough has been written about that dope. Bochephus wrote a new song about the whole thing. I haven't heard it but I'm sure its a measured and cogent response to recent events. I'm not sure why the hell we are paying attention to these people anyway. Are we going to see Brian Williams discussing Obama foreign policy with Kim Kardashian some day?

There's still no news about my erstwhile professional writing gig. I get the feeling I won't be hearing from those folks again. I was mulling over writing a snarky letter. That might not be prudent if I ever want to use them as a reference. However, I'll still write it. I'll just publish it here. I also plan to keep reviewing the FC police blotter. That will help me keep up with the SLA.

I was disheartened to see Chynna Philips get the boot from DWTS. I read something she said about having to process her feelings. Yeah, process this. How the hell did you get to the stage of your life where you actually accepted an invitation to go on DWTS.

Not Much

I think I missed the SLA but maybe I'll change it back to every week instead of every 10 days. My professional writing gig may be coming to an end. They'll be looking at metrics etc. and letting me know my fate at some point. In the interim, and possibly forever, the only writing you'll see from me is here. I know this will cause weeping and gnashing of teeth, but you'll get over it.

Have you ever seen that show The Mentalist? I haven't, but Letterman often makes jokes about his heightened powers of observation. I was thinking the other day that this guy could probably tell the difference between American Idol and X Factor.

What the hell did October do to deserve this? Subway has Anytober, Disney has Monstober, and Mini has Motor-Tober. Moronic. Can't the ad wizards come up with anything better than that.

I hear SB1 is going up to NYC this weekend to catch a band named Dead Mouse. Where the hell did I go wrong?

That's all I got.