DJ's Detritus

A Creative Writing Class Dropout's Last Refuge

Monday, April 24, 2006

I'm Back

I was away for a while covering the Tomkitten birth but I'm back here where I belong now. I have to say I was a bit disappointed in the overall coverage. Only a few media outlets, including my favorite, AOL, handled it with the grace that such an event deserves. I had a little extra time on my hands while sitting outside the Cruise mansion in my van last week. I veered into political commentary, however briefly and superficially, but you won't be seeing much more of that. I'm trying to hang onto the three Republican friends I have.

One of my non-Republican friends recently wrote a lovely story about our stay in Italy a few summers back. He was even kind enough to post one of my stories on his web site last year. So I deliberated long and hard about returning the favor. In the end I decided that, in the words of W's dad, "it would not be prudent at this juncture." But I will give a brief overview. We spent a lovely evening in small Tuscan town, the name of which translates roughly to "Bad Ass" in English. But there were really no tough guys there. They were just a bit brusque. This town was known for a couple things. Most of the townspeople made a living designing and producing artisanal bowties. The second thing was their cuisine. You could get excellent versions of many regional specialties but they were best known for an Italian version of fish and chips. We were skeptical at first but were quickly converted. One of the slight variations is that they serve 18 year old balsamic vinegar with them as opposed to that malt stuff.

OK, on to what you've been waiting for: DJ's celebrity report. Since I'm a celebrity myself now, I'm thinking of publishing a magazine. It'll provide a boatload of self help and lifestyle articles and each issue will have a picture of me on the cover. I think I'll call it DJ. But enough about me. There’s been a lot going on this week, even without famous births. The George Michael/Elton John feud is back on and apparently one is brewing between Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Simpson. I’ve been losing sleep over that. I hate it when my favorite stars can’t make the effort to get along. It was also recently announced that John Travolta and J Lo will be making a movie based on the “Dallas” TV series. I can’t wait! What the heck will the Hollywood brain trust come up with next? A movie based on “Car 54, Where Are You?” Oh, wait, they already did that. My last item is a TV event. There will be a séance that claims to reach Ringo Starr. Ringo reportedly says, "I'm not dead yet!”

Well, it’s off to Namibia soon. I’ll be in touch.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

You Say Decider, I Say Decision Maker

I'm having trouble distinguishing between steely resolve and stubborn ignorance.

Friday, April 14, 2006

You People Need to Read People

There was a lot of buzz around the birth of my twins, Orange and Methuselah. I was really concerned about all the paparazzi that would converge on our house when we brought them home. I decided to get a den of lions to protect our place. It turns out that all I was able to round up from Golden Gate Park was a couple feral cats and a particularly mean spirited three legged dog. Fortunately we were able to keep the hospital where we had the kids a secret from the press. My wife almost blew our cover though. She yelled at me repeatedly, at the top of her lungs, when I suggested a quiet birth.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I Still Have Dreams

Although not as often as I used to. In the most recent one, I went back to work for a banking institution where I had spent a year in the mid 90s. A few of the staff remembered me. Some unctuous manager who had designs on my time took me out to lunch that first day. We passed the Moscone Center, where a T-shirt sloganeer convention had just let out. I almost tripped twice trying to catch their passing wisdom. On the way back to the office we caught a brief exchange between a guy in a Yugo and a militant pedestrian he had barely missed. We both felt the parting shot of “I got your Yugo right here” was unnecessary

Back at the office, I couldn’t figure out their computer system, which should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. I was assigned a very cluttered desk with a rotary phone on it. I was a little pissed until I saw one of the admins sitting at her desk. It was a cardboard box with one of those kiddie chairs. I think the sump pump woke me up at about this point. What the hell is it with all this rain anyway?

I hopped out of bed and hit the floor to start my morning routine. I did my three push-ups and sit-ups, then poured a mug of my favorite morning coffee, Transparent Brown, and logged onto AOL. I get all my news from AOL. They have all the up to date celebrity news but they also provide me with lifestyle guidance. Recently they had an article on what your drink says about you. Apparently mojito drinkers are risk takers. I don’t doubt it. When the hell was the last time you had a good mojito? Sadly, they didn’t have any info on what my drink, red jug wine, says about me.

My email box was overloaded as usual. People like to communicate with me. Of course my blog had received hundreds of comments in the previous 12 hours. I like the “comment moderation” feature on this blog site. I have to approve comments before they are available. Most of them are in the vein of “Hey DJ, you can’t write worth a damn and I ain’t coming back” but others are less circumspect. I did allow the post of the first comment. It was from a transplanted Wolverine that I used to hang with back in the day. He had nothing interesting to say but that was not unusual.

Speaking of AOL, it’s my understanding that AOL Music will shortly be doing a retrospective on the career of one of my favorite bands, Quadruple M and the Reasonable Facsimiles, the progenitors of the blue-eyed speed metal genre. The band’s leader and I go way back. I call him 4M for short. 4M is an awesome musical talent, a well respected oenophile, and an expert in reprographics. I’ll give you a head’s up when that’s coming.