Friends in High Places

I have a lot of important friends, but that's to be expected. I've previously mentioned the Upgrade King but he's really just the tip of the iceberg. Another buddy of mine is a bigwig high tech exec in the valley. He's got a personalized license plate on his hybrid vehicle and everything. I'm still trying to figure out what he does down there. It's possible that he's just monkeying around. But that doesn't matter. He's high profile, like me, so that's why we hang out together.

I'm also in high tech. I slipped in the back door during the dot com boom and somehow have managed to hold on to my job although I don't know anything about the business I'm in. I'll give you an example of how obtuse I am. A few years ago I saw a guy walking around our campus with a broach clipped to his ear talking to himself. I called the local authorities because I thought he could be a danger to himself or others. That's when I got an explanation of Bluetooth technology from the local police. That was embarrassing.

I see a downside to technology's advances. We have a guy in our town that drives a 70's sports car and has what appears to be a Bluetooth. My son, who is a particularly savvy 16 year old, pointed out to me that he thinks the guy is an alien who is receiving instructions from his extraterrestrial senior management team via the device. I tend to agree with him. The proof lies in the fact that it takes a civilization more advanced than ours to keep that 70's piece of shit foreign sports car in good running condition.

So Sorry

I have to sincerely apologize to my fan base. I realize I have not provided a celebrity update in weeks. I'm hoping the four of you will understand but I do have a valid reason for my lack of productivity. Earlier this month I was the victim of a botched bikini wax. This has had a significant impact on both my physical and emotional well being. To add to all that, I had a paparazzo stalking me. I pleaded with him, to no avail, to respect my privacy during this difficult time.

There's been a lot going on. Heather and Denise still cannot get along. Heather was outside Denise's house the other day blasting a Bon Jovi tune from her car stereo. I know she's angry but think of all of Denise's innocent neighbors. That's just not fair. Nobody should have to listen to Bon Jovi against their will.

Geri Halliwell, of Spice Girl 15 minutes of fame, has named her daughter Bluebell Madonna. They can call her BM for short. I think celebrities get special instruction in how to screw their kids up and they start as soon as possible. I wonder how Penn Jillette's kid Moxie Crimefighter is doing these days. Do they have shrinks for toddlers?

It looks like Nicole Richie and her ex-fiancé have split again. Apparently even though they had gotten back together he was still the ex-fiancé. They didn't want to commit to marriage lest they look a bit indecisive. The only thing they ought to commit to is going to In-N-Out Burger on a daily basis until they both qualify for flyweight status.

Prince is back in the news. The short guy formerly known as a symbol was recently selected as the World's Sexiest Vegetarian. That is one accolade I strive for but, I gotta admit, I like my BLTs. I guess I'll have to settle for Sexiest Blogger Alive. Prince also made a splash on American Idol last night. I’m trying to get a meeting to pitch my new idea to Fox: American Blogger. I think it has a chance to take off. There are almost as many people that think they can write as those that think they can sing. Of course I would rip off the American Idol format. I have two of the three judges already lined up. My charmingly irascible bud 4M would take the Simon Cowell spot. I’ll fill in for Randy Jackson since I say “dawg” a lot. The last slot is a tough one. I haven’t been able to find someone sufficiently stable and impartial to take the Paula Abdul role.

Have a great three day weekend, whether you’re having a BBQ, going to the beach, or taking the kids bike riding with Brad Pitt.

Stuff

Do we have too much crap and too much time on our hands? I think so. There's cable TV options in the triple digits, which we can TIVO, and the proliferation of rental storage space, where we can put the junk that won't fit in our house. And if you have time to watch David Blaine morph into a publicity seeking prune, or read my blog, then there's no doubt you have way too much time. Yet, with all our free time, they're telling us we work harder than the Europeans. What the hell are they doing all day, trying to figure out how they ended up with so many types of cheese? But greater minds have already pondered these things.

Speaking of stuff, I was in the store recently. Besides for a truffle slicer, I was looking for some pencils. There was a new product on the stationery aisle: anti-bacterial pencils. Who was the marketing genius that came up with that one? I can only view that as a niche product. For example, that might come in handy if your kid's lending his pencils to another kid that picks his nose a lot. Otherwise, I don't see a lot of use for it.

Your Privacy. Ignored.

That's what ATT is considering for their latest marketing slogan. And I hear that they are yet again updating the name of SF's ballpark. It will be known as NSA Stadium. Call for tickets now. As one media pundit pointed out recently, NSA stands for "Now Spying on Americans".

Ditto

I have to get this off my chest. I still love Tom Cruise too.

My Old School

I've been in touch with some old high school folks for the last year or so, since there was a 30th reunion a while back. Yeah, I'm dating myself. Nobody else will. It's been interesting but I'm not sure everybody's buying what I'm selling. Most of them think I'm kidding when I refer to my two marriages to J Lo, my rehab stints, and the fact that I missed the reunion because of my undercover work. I was a bit of a milquetoast in high school so they don't know the latter day DJ. By the way, it turns out rehab didn't do me much good but I did beat my dependencies via the potent combination of the Hugs Not Drugs and Just Say No programs.

Now that I'm off the sauce - I was addicted to Tabasco - things have become much clearer. I can sail down the condiment aisle at Safeway without a care. But I have other fears, like some of the people I encounter there, the grocery store zombies. These disheveled individuals block the aisles, oblivious to my desire to get to the hair care products or canned lima beans, mumbling to themselves as they read ingredients on packages. Once one of them was ranting about a "yuppie slime in a Volvo". I ran out of the store, hopped in my Volvo and raced home. I’m thinking of getting rid of that car. I'd like to get a new Prius. I can use it to drive to where I park my SUV. The Hummer won't fit in my driveway.

I've apparently gotten off topic. Keep in mind that it is my blog and I can ramble on about anything I like. Nobody reads this crap anyway. OK, back to school. There's a few classmates out here in the Golden State. We all grew up in the cradle of civilization, upstate New York. We're trying to start a new tradition of the west coast reunion. We did Vegas last year and are looking to repeat this year. TK couldn't join us due to something about having to work but we expect him to be there for the '06 trip. Last year it was me, 4M, and the Upgrade King. The Upgrade King is one of Silicon Valley's Masters of the Universe. So when we got to Vegas he got upgraded immediately upon identifying himself. But he didn't lord it over us. He even let us use the Jacuzzi and game room in his suite when he was invited to a meet and greet with Paris and Nikki Hilton at the Ghost Bar.

Mojo

Josh Bolten wants to get the administration's mojo back. The word on the street is they’re taking drastic steps. They're planning to set up a séance with the spirit of Jim Morrison to get the "mojo rising". Unfortunately this one won't be pay-per-view. I get the feeling the Lizard King is going to ask the same question I did: If you never had any mojo, how the hell do you expect to get it back?

On a side note, it seems that séances are coming back into popularity, kind of like Capri pants. What's next, leg warmers?

Celebrity Corner

Like the butcher who backed into the meat grinder, I got a little behind in my work. However I'm here now to catch you up on celebrity happenings. I realize my blog is the sole source of news and entertainment for many of my readers.

It looks like there's a feud between Denise Richards and Heather Locklear. I know this has been suggested before, but can't they just settle it by wrestling.

Halle Berry stated recently that she wanted to adopt kids if it didn't happen for her naturally. My sweetheart Jessica Simpson already notified us that she wants to adopt and Angelina Jolie already has. What's with these people? Can't they try having a regular family, like Michael Jackson did. Next week it'll be somebody else. If they're having a slow publicity week, they'll pull out the "I want to adopt" card. I can see it now. People magazine reported today that Dakota Fanning plans to adopt a child. She said she wanted to get one that was a little older, so they can walk to school together.