DJ's Detritus

A Creative Writing Class Dropout's Last Refuge

Friday, August 31, 2007

Gun Show

Due to my ability to suck in my gut for extended periods, I’ve made the semi-finals of the Calvin Klein 50+ underwear model competition. My main competition is some Russian guy.




Wednesday, August 29, 2007

And Another Thing

Another thing that came out of last Friday’s round table was a general consensus that there needs to be more blog activity, and on a regular basis. The Exec said that I should be blogging daily. #1 said three days a week would be sufficient. I’d like to accommodate them to a certain extent so I’m going to be making an effort to establish a pattern. I appreciate regularity in other facets of my life so why should the blog be any different. However, The Exec’s idea is a bit much. If I were to do that, you’d often see entries such as “Well, it was another glorious day in my cube. I answered 23 emails, ignored 56 others, and let all my calls go to voice mail. Around about 11am, I started staring at a spreadsheet on my monitor, thinking about puppy dogs and butterflies, until 2pm rolled around and it was time to go home” Keep in mind The Exec’s thought process is not one a reasonable man would term normal. One of the guys at last week’s party works for Whole Foods, which is based in Austin. Several folks remarked that they were surprised it was based in Texas. The Exec used the analogy that “Austin is the Palo Alto of Texas”. What??!! I piggybacked on that idea by saying “Foster City is the Omaha of California”. #1 chimed in that San Mateo is the Wilmington of the West. You could see TCG thinking furiously but he made no contribution.

Monday, August 27, 2007

DJ's Blog Club

We had a reunion party at The Exec’s house for the families of the kids that went on the Costa Rica trip back in June. One of the moms referred to me as “Ceviche Man”, a name I’ll wear with pride. Later in the evening, TCG, The Exec, #1 and I had a round table discussion on my blog, because that’s what we do when we get together. I’m thinking of formalizing this, perhaps meeting monthly. We’ll call it DJ’s Blog Club. This will give them a chance to share their feelings as well as vie for more ink. Since I’m also a telecommunications wizard, I’ll set up a conference bridge for these events, so my far flung readership can join in. Sorry Annie, the bridge will only work in the domestic U.S.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I have to admit that I made a real whopper of a mistake with that DS3 I mentioned in my last post. I had expedited the hell out of the order, because I have the power, so the telco (that’s shop talk for phone company) got here late last week to install it. The problem was that I had assumed that my three year old low end Dell PC was DS3 compatible. I wasn’t thinking. I got on the horn with TCG and told him I needed help. He said he’d be right over and that he always carries a spare DS3 card in his hybrid SUV. He got that in in no time so I’m now cruising the web at speeds unparalleled in greater Foster City. The only down side was that I shouldn’t have watched TCG do the install. Remember that refrigerator repair man skit with Dan Aykroyd from the early days of SNL?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

All In a Day’s Work

The Belgian boss came back from three weeks of vacation last week so he decided to take yesterday off to rest up. I’m in charge until Monday and the power’s going to my head. I think it’s time to order a DS3 to my house. For the uninitiated, a DS3 is a high bandwidth circuit, 45Mb. I need one for the important work I do whilst I telecommute. I’m generously compensated because of my DS3 knowledge and my political savvy. I shot off a handful of emails, to all the right people, during my vacation last week. That gave the impression I’m your standard respectable workaholic. But it was a façade. I get the job done but I’m not really fulfilled. I long to get back to my first love, interpretive dance, but there’s no money in it.

Yesterday was a good day. In addition to wielding my power, I went to do the weekly shop and the zombies were not out in force. I was able to get in and out of Safeway lickety-split. I think many of them were out of town for the premiere of Nicole Kidman’s new movie “The Invasion”. Per the plot synopsis, “Now Carol's only hope is to stay awake long enough to find her young son, who may hold the key to stopping the devastating invasion.” That’s some kid! My son is only capable of emptying my refrigerator and wallet. Right now he’s back east with my wife doing college tours. When he gets back it’s my turn. I’ll be bringing him to CSM, Skyline and Foothill. They come back tomorrow. In addition to the gourmet meal I will prepare, I have the perfect homecoming present for my wife. It’s a grande Starbucks beverage coupon I got with my Safeway points. I’m sure she’ll be thinking of me when she redeems it with her Club Card.

I’m attending a big event with the locals today. I had to turn down an invite from Posh and Becks to celebrate Posh’s new book deal but I couldn’t disappoint the village. I’ll have a chance to see numbers 1 and 2 and The Exec. I’m not sure that The Exec will welcome me with open arms. We did him and his family a big favor, or as my bud The Wig would call it, “a solid”. During their recent vacation, we took care of their dog and my son even slept over there a couple nights. That dog is a little insecure. As The Exec often says, plant a bean, get a bean. When my son went out of town before they got back, I rounded up a few feral cats to keep the dog company those last few nights. The animals got along great but I hear it didn’t work out so well otherwise.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Overheard in The People’s Republic

I just got back from our micro vacation in Berkeley, where I drank micro brews while studying up on a few micro cap stocks I’d like to invest in once I get the money back from the micro financing our village did via kiva.org.

The boys headed off to camp this past week and we sent our daughter to spend a few days with friends so the wife and I could elude the disquiet of our daily routine. We had bought a night at the Sir Francis Drake Hotel in SF and a dinner at a charity auction at son #1’s high school last year, so it was time to cash in. We had a great day in the city Tuesday, doing the tourist routine, except that we didn’t wear shorts and T-shirts to shiver in the SF summer clime. We trekked through Chinatown to North Beach, where we had lunch at Rose Pistola. It wasn’t the cheapest option but since dinner was “free”, we decided to splurge. Our dinner that night was at XYZ in the W Hotel. The food was choice but the highlight of the meal was a 1985 Tudal Cabernet that 4M had given me for my 50th. We had a tense moment as the cork came out in two pieces and fell apart upon handling, but the wine was unscathed. It proved to be one of the smoothest libations my untrained palate had ever experienced.

I got out early Wednesday morning to ensure that a low fat latte would be sitting at my bride’s bedside when she awoke. I had to walk an entire city block to find a Starbucks. I picked up our coffee and a Chron, to learn that Barry had hit #756. He also clarified that the record is not tainted. Glad we got that straight.

We checked out a few hours later and headed over to the East Bay. We stopped by the Triple Rock brewery and did a beer tasting. We decided to stay for lunch before we headed over to the Claremont, where we spent two nights. Our first au pair, who came to us as British teenager in 1994, is now on the executive team there, and got us a great room for about 25 cents on the dollar. That along with a dinner at Chez Panisse that was covered mostly with a gift certificate from my in-laws stamp my credentials as a tightwad extraordinaire. The dinner that evening lived up to the hype. Each course was outstanding. We did get a side order of pomposity, courtesy of next table, where a young couple was on what we presumed was a first date. The young man was doing his best to impress with his academic achievements. Was I that pretentious 30 years ago? Probably! The only difference is that I would have taken my date to the fancy Greek diner in Binghamton. I’m a cheap bastard, remember.

We spent most of those two days in the pampered confines of the hotel but we did venture out to greater Berkeley a few times. Of course I had to head out to get coffee for two in the morning. I didn’t want her to have to drink the Seattle’s Best coffee supplied in the room. I had had a cup and now refer to it as Seattle’s Beast. On my way back from Peets I overheard a young man talking on his cell phone. All I really caught was “screaming babies, bright lights, unhappy people”. He may have been making a reference to the early 90’s chapter of my recently released autobiography. We also had breakfast both days at a place call Rick and Ann’s. Our getaway breakfast was at the community table. I was concerned since I had heard a women tell the hostess the previous day that she didn’t want to sit there because she had had a negative experience. My mind raced. What could have happened? Perhaps someone had failed to pass the Tabasco in a timely manner. Regardless, we had a very positive encounter. The folks on either side of us were very friendly and the food was excellent.

Dinner Thursday evening was gourmet Mexican at Dona Tomas in Oakland. We met up with my brother and sister there. I hadn’t seen my brother for a while and he was sporting a new bearded look. He reminded me of one of Castro’s “barbudos” from old photos of the Cuban revolution. He said he bought a trimmer but apparently hasn't mastered the device yet. He and my sister got the Italian complexion from my mom and I got the old man’s lighter look. Although my older brother, he’s often tried to emulate me. To steal a line from a recent beer commercial, my charisma can be seen from outer space. And of course, as with most of my friends and family, the siblings were clamoring for more blog activity, with a smidgen of whining about not being prominently featured lately. Being the oldest and youngest, they are dealing with a passel of issues that I, as the peace making middleman, am not encumbered with. Guilt is one of them. During our savory meal, big bro said he felt kind of bad about putting a beating on me now and then. What horseshit! Although that’s what big brothers are for, I wished he had had this epiphany at least 45 years ago. This talk of our childhood brought back many memories, especially of one particular bath together. This was before sis had arrived. As we sat in the tub, my brother reached down and, with an unhinged grin the ensuing years would teach me to fear, attempted to hand me a fresh turd. As I recall, I refused to accept delivery.