No Safe Way

I almost ran into #2 at the grocery store today, but I was able to come to a stop in time. I did take his parking spot though. Safeway is no place to be during a holiday. It’s like stepping onto the set of “Night of the Living Dead”. I had to brave it because we needed several items to get through the day. We’re having BLTs for dinner but the wife decided to make bacon a key ingredient in her breakfast this morning, so we were caught short. Usually I can hide things from her in the refrigerator. She’ll buy some stuff at Trader Joes’, like feta cheese or artichoke dip, which will sit there until it’s ready to become penicillin. I then call the county toxic waste unit to dispose of it. If it’s not on the center of the top shelf, she can’t find it. But I should not be too insensitive. She’s had a tough weekend. She dropped Barney on her pinkie toe yesterday. Barney, The Purple Dinosaur, weighs about five pounds. He talks when you squeeze his hand or foot. He squawked “pedicure time” after she dropped him.

I am not without my own flaws. I have to confess that I snuck into the 15 items or less express lane with 16 items today. I didn’t feel much remorse because behind me were three 20 something zombies that had annoyed me earlier in the health and beauty aisle. I was there to pick up some shampoo and conditioner for my daughter. She likes the Infusium 23 brand. They were out of that but the generic equivalent, Confusium 24, was available. The only drawback is you can’t keep the conditioner on too long or you get disoriented.

In the real express lane, 8 items or less, was a fellow American looking for flags. A long conversation ensued among many checkers as to their location. The two people in front of me and I managed to check out before that situation was resolved. Finally there was consensus that the flags were in the dairy aisle. That’s logical but I think it’s unpatriotic to hold up the express lane.

Going, Going...

How long we giving AG Gonzo before he heads back to Texas? I say mid-June. He ought to be joining other illustrious Republicans like Bob Ney, Jack Abramoff and Duke Cunnigham in the slam but unfortunately it won’t come to that. Just don’t let him pay me any visits the next time I’m sick. I might end up signing over my retirement account or the pink slip to my beloved Volvo. I do like Gonzo’s taste in music though. He’s a big Peter Gabriel fan. His favorite song is “I Don’t Remember”. But he did remember to blame his deputy AG Paul McNulty, the day after he submitted his resignation. I wonder what jarred his memory. When the press reached McNulty for comment, he had none. Where the hell does that guy get his willpower?

Another Bush buddy might be looking for a job soon as well. Paul Wolfowitz, Iraq War architect, is currently negotiating his departure from The World Bank. He’s working on spreading the blame around. He dumped some on his girlfriend yesterday. Bad move Paulie. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I can’t think too much about W and his cabal or I get pissed off. We’ll be rid of him in less than two years. Then he can go to work on the presidential library, which will be featuring his collection of Mad magazines.

In other news, a dude named Stoner was arrested in Florida for growing reefer in his house. Police are currently looking into whether there is any connection between Stoner and another criminal in Texas. The perp in Texas is accused of stealing a semi with $250,000 worth of Skittles.

Hey, what is with the decals on the back window of cars representing your family? I'm going to get one for my wife's SUV, just one woman wielding a gas pump.

Hello Mudda

A Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers out there. And to some of my male pals as well. I got an email at work Friday, which was sent out to thousands of people. It reminded us that Mother’s Day was coming up and to remember all the mothers in our life. It also said to keep in mind “a male friend who acts in a motherly capacity”. I’m not kidding! I’m a major talent and even I can’t make this shit up.

I know I haven't had much to say lately but I don't think I'm going to let that stop me. I got some flack from #1 and The Wig about my post-party post. One of them, the one who is no longer my friend, termed it "weak". Hell, you try putting together a couple paragraphs every fortnight.

I will provide more details on the party, at least the early stages that I remember. I did get a surprise visit from the Wolverine. He tried to hide behind Unc on his way in but Unc is skinny and The Wolv ain’t. I hope he takes that the right way. Oh, I don’t care how he takes it. I won’t be seeing him for a while. I really do appreciate him coming all the way out here for my celebration though. I’m going to thank him by getting him a John Mayer CD. He’s a big fan, especially of the Hendrix covers.

And I really didn’t kick everyone out after the video presentation. I know a lot of people take what I write here very seriously so I wanted to set the record straight. I do need to point out that my close personal friend 4M was upset that he was misidentified in the video. There was another M in my high school class but there’s only one 4M, fortunately. #1 keeps telling me that he’s going to right that wrong. I’m waiting.

I still have to get my thank you notes out for the many wonderful gifts I was given. I plan to do that this weekend. There are still a few mysteries. My advice is that you duct tape the card to the gift next time. If you gave me the following, let me know.

Veuve Cliquot
Clos du Bois Cab
Gnarly Head Old Vine Zin

In addition to 4M, I had another high school classmate at the party, The Upgrade King. My wife handed him our video camera to document the party. The light was not great but he did an excellent job, given the circumstances. The only problem was that he tried to do another upgrade by expropriating our video camera. I had to go by his house Friday to pick it up and give him a talking to.

My other high school bud TK couldn’t make the party because he was down at UC Irvine visiting his kid. I’m looking to him for some advice on the college search and application process since I’ll be sending son #1 off in ’08. TK and I discussed how different things are between now and our college days. He said you really have to market your kid these days. Back when he and I were in our small school in upstate NY, our guidance counselor’s job consisted of reciting the names of five or six Catholic colleges in the state. He was good at it. Siena, Niagara, Canisius etc. After a three year delay, during which I spent time finding myself, I found myself making minimum wage and decided to head off to SUNY Binghamton. Now my boy will soon be making that journey. I have an idea on how to market him. He has pretty good grades and some extracurricular activity but the clincher will be that he’s low maintenance. Feed him four or five times a day and he won’t bother you.

We closed out the party before midnight. Remember, most of my friends are old like me. The last hour or so most folks had cleared out and it was just the Foster City crowd, our “village”, remaining. One of them, The Belgian’s wife, is taking a human sexuality course at SF State. That led to some interesting, and occasionally raucous, conversations. We even got the French translation of a couple terms, such as “solely for procreation” and “within the bonds of marriage”

Now it’s back to my normal routine. I did mix things up a bit by making a stop at the Stanford Blood Center Thursday. What a painful experience! Giving blood was no problem but they had the radio tuned to an easy listening station, which gave me a 1-2 punch I’ll not soon forget. The first blow was a Peter Cetera/Cher duet followed by Rod Stewart crooning “So Far Away”. I begged the nurse to put on KFOG but they have their policies. So I was stuck with a station whose play list spans the long arc of schmaltz rock, from Bread, through the suave metal stylings of REO Speedwagon, to Five for Fighting’s reflection on a “package for the wishes” As I left the center, after downing a quart of OJ and half a dozen cookies, they cautioned me not to skip any meals. I assured them that would not be a problem.

To close, I’d like to pose the same important question that AOL recently did: How much green tea is too much?

A Brief Party

The birthday party I mentioned in my 3/10/07 post came off last Saturday night. It was a carbon neutral event. We had a Cinco de Mayo theme, one week early. There was some excellent Mexican cuisine provided by one of the teachers at son #1’s school, who does catering on the side. The tequila flowed copiously. Although I had requested no gifts, many were bestowed upon me, including high end wine, designer tequila, and a Hawaii vacation. I can’t figure out if I got all this because I’m such a beloved individual or if people ignore everything I say. I was thinking of doing a quick thank you in the blog to get out of having to write individual notes but, even for a slug like me, that would be a bit cheesy.

A couple hours into the evening there was a presentation detailing the first fifty years of my life. The Exec and Numbers 1 and 2 put it together, with some assistance from Unc and The Wig. We often do this type of retrospective for each other’s birthdays. Generally I’m the lead writer on them, so they are actually funny. But obviously I could not be involved with this one, which sadly descended into character assassination. After the 10 minute video, I was asked if I had any words to say. I did. “I find this portrayal reprehensible. The party’s over. Get out!”