DJ's Detritus

A Creative Writing Class Dropout's Last Refuge

Sunday, April 27, 2014

You Expect Quality?

In recent news, Lindsay Lohan informed us that she had a miscarriage and is dating a married man with kids. Now aren't those the kind of things you'd want to keep to yourself? When I heard this, it caused me to rant into my little recording device. I was trying to ponder how far downhill the celeb world has gone. The Liz and Dick scandal of yore was mild stuff in comparison. Another headline I caught was ""Tori Spelling, Dean McDermott open the door on their sex life". I say slam that door and bolt it. Please!

Biscuit has been ensconced in her space heater paradise all weekend cranking out a word salad for work. I've been called in as editor-in-chief. That has not stopped me from preparing some chow for this week. She owes me.

My bud The UK was mentioning to me recently that he was digging Roxy Music in high school. I was not quite as cool. I did catch Dark Side of the Moon when I was cruising in another bud's Triumph, but mostly I was trying unravel the true meaning behind Bachman Turner Overdrive lyrics.

I picked up some stuff at CVS this weekend. I was a little disappointed because my receipt was not long enough.

That's all I got.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Crime Wave

16:54 Welfare Check 140414083
Occurred at Niantic Dr. , Fcy. Report of children climbing trees in the park. Trees check clear. . Disposition: Gone On Arrival.

When I was a kid, climbing trees was called recreation.

20:51 Suspicious Circumstances 140414101
Occurred on Bounty Dr, Fcy. RP reports he received a phone call stating that he has a warrant for his arrest and they caller is requesting a gift card. No loss and advice rendered via telephone. . Disposition: Service Provided.

I want $40 worth of iTunes or you're going to the slam.

00:45 Pedestrian Stop 140411004
Officer initiated activity at E Hillsdale Bl, Foster City. . Disposition: Warning Given.

I see a lot of these. What's the issue, being a pedestrian?

11:38 911 Hang-up/Welfare Check 140411022
Occurred at Foster City Police Dept on E Hillsdale Bl. , Fcy. 911 hang-up received; contact made and determined to be a pocket dial. . Disposition: Svc Provided-Dispatch.

I guess pocket dial is a polite term for what we call a butt dial.

19:21 Citizen Assist 140411057
Occurred at Foster City Bl. , Fcy. Several subject associated with 5 vehicles loading wood chips/compost into bag. Sign states not to take the wood chips/compost. Contact made with residents who were advised to return tomorrow, on compost give away day. All bags emptied back into the pile. . Disposition: Abated/Advised.

Several of these. Why tempt people with piles of compost on the main drag if they can't have it until tomorrow.

23:30 Reckless Driving 23103 VC 140411092
Occurred at Foster City Bl/Marlin Av, Fcy. Gray Corvette passed RP going SB FCB at 100+ followed by another vehicle, NFD on second. Both vehicles made a u-turn at Marlin/FCB and went back NB on FCB still racing. Last seen 1 minute ago. . Disposition: Gone On Arrival.

I sense exaggeration. How the hell do you get up to 100mph between the traffic lights?

12:50 Citizen Assist 140413043
Occurred at Foster City Police Dept on E Hillsdale Bl. , Fcy. RP reports that her vehicle may have been tampered with and requests an officer to inspect it at its current location. RP changed her mind upon officers' arrival and wished no further police service. . Disposition: Service Provided.

Oh, never mind

12:53 Health & Safety Code Violation 140413044
Officer initiated activity at Ribbon, Foster City. Officer locates subjects with concentrated marijuana in their possession, who later provided a valid prescription. Informational case taken. . Disposition: Report Taken.

I had to look up "concentrated marijuana", aka budder

05:03 Fire Assist 140410018
Occurred on Foresail Ct, Fcy. Assist Fire on a Medical. Disposition: Cancelled While Enroute.

I got better

08:53 Petty Theft 140410029
Occurred on Crane Av, Fcy. RP rpts childrens furniture and toys that she had left out for The Salvation Army was taken. Occurred btwn 040914 2100 and 041014 0800hrs; no rpt desired. Disposition: Svc Provided-Dispatch.

Officer, they stole shit I was trying to get rid of.

16:31 Citizen Assist 140410075
Occurred on Killdeer Ct, Fcy. RP rpts someone has moved the crawl space cover to her residence. Appears that a piece of wood used as a cover was moved by an animal. Cover weighted down and advice rendered. Disposition: Service Provided.

What kind of animal? Did it have opposable thumbs?

19:27 Shoplifting 140410095
Occurred at Safeway Supermarket on E Hillsdale Bl. , Fcy. Manager advised that a heavy set WFA with black & blonde hair wearing a floral shirt had stolen approximately $700.00 worth of vitamins. Suspect left Safeway towards Vintage/MCB driving a red 90's Toyota Corolla, vehicle had hub caps missing. Area check made, UTL suspect/vehicle. Disposition: Report Taken.

A fat lady with a questionable sense of style and a bad hairdo stole a boatload of vitamins. That's the most excitement this town has seen in months.

16:49 Suspicious Circumstances 140409063
Occurred at E Hillsdale Bl. , Fcy. Employee reports an HMA in black shirt, jeans and an HMA in black lace shirt, jeans, took two bottles of vitamins and tried to return them for cash. Area check made. Case taken for suspicious circumstances. . Disposition: Report Taken.

Another vitamin story. I have nothing to say on this one,

17:50 Petty Theft 140408074
Occurred on Shell Bl., Fcy. RP's wallet was taken from his unlocked parked vehicle on 4/5/14 between 1430 hrs and 1530 hrs. Taken was $120 cash and credit cards. Disposition: Report Taken.

A cautionary tale. Don't leave your wallet in an unlocked car, idiot.

14:08 Suspicious Person 140404057
Occurred on Metro Center Bl., Fcy. RP reports a suspicious male and female subject sitting on the sidewalk rolling cigarettes or joints. Subjects contacted, check okay and are nearby employees. Disposition: Completed.

But what were the employees rolling?

11:09 Harassing Phone Calls 653M PC 140405028
Occurred on Zumwalt Ln., Fcy. RP reports receiving numerous harassing phone calls from a window salesman. No report desired; RP to contact his phone company. Disposition: Completed.

Hey, give the guy a break. He's gotta make quota.

15:21 Accident with Injury 140405046
Occurred on Thatcher Ln, Fcy. Informational case taken on adult passenger who accidentally fell out of car being moved from the driveway. Fire/Medics respond for a laceration on the elbow. Disposition: Report Taken.

Winner of Foster City's version of the Darwin Award.

13:47 Vandalism 594 PC 140406034
Occurred on Windjammer Cir, Fcy. RP reports that his vehicle was vandalized with shaving cream and sardines sometime between 2030 HRS on 04/05/2014 and 0930 HRS today. Disposition: Report Taken


Shaving cream I've heard of but the sardines clearly required a certain level of creativity.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

An Admission

After my last post, I got an admission from The Banker that their beloved Boston Terrier occasionally drops one on my lawn. But since The Banker is a solid citizen and a member in good standing of the FC plastic bag brigade, I know that nothing is left behind but the slightest residue.

I got my swim in early this morning. I stay afloat well due to my ample and growing paunch. I gotta get rid of this thing so I can meander through Ireland and England this summer. We will be spending July 4th with our first au pair and her family. Yes, I will mine that situation for humorous nuggets. We will end the trip in Paris, accompanied by The Wigs. Now that is is in print, there is no way my crony can back out.

Speaking of The Wigs, their eldest son, a fresh faced doctor, is coming to town. The timing is good as I plan to consult with him about my latest ailment, a creaky shoulder. He's not an orthopedist but that will not stop me from putting him on the spot.

The wife and I caught Wolf of Wall Street on pay per view last night. I tried to turn away during the nude scenes but I did see several breasts. It was a good flick. There were several excellent performances. I was surprised to find that the actress that played Belfort's second wife was Australian. She had the Queens accent down.

Now for several stories about my wife, which she will no doubt relish. I am the early bird in our household. When I'm up at 5am or so, I often encounter a few small piles of paper towels on the counter. I've already told her I'm going to be pissed the next time she has a paper towel party and doesn't invite me.

I went to Safeway yesterday and texted her to see if she needed anything. She said "Food!". She occasionally fancies herself a humorist.

I recently created a new nickname for her but it hasn't really stuck. When we had a couple recent dinner parties she cranked up the new furnace. Spring evenings in NorCal are really not that frigid, but it did give us a chance to argue in front of our friends. Then one afternoon I walk into her office and she has not one but two space heaters cranked up. I found it uncomfortably hot and at that moment decided to call her Biscuit.

On Letterman this week was a kid from England, Jamie Edwards, who built a nuclear fusion reactor at the age of 13. He's 14 now and quite self assured, as you'd expect. Letterman asked him something to the effect of "How'd you come up with that idea, what about a puppet show?" That is one of the many reasons I will miss him. I'm hoping Colbert can fill his shoes.

Hey, I put up the following funny on FB and have not gotten one damn "like". What the hell is wrong with you people?

"I'm a little upset today. JP Morgan missed Q1 estimates. I can only hope that this does not cause Jamie Dimon to fall on hard times."

Lastly, what's all this talk about socialist media?

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Le Weekend

I go to bed at 9, I wake up at 5:30. I go to bed at 11, I wake up at 5:30. If any of you know what the hell the dealio is, please let me know. And who amongst you called a UConn/Kentucky final?

Last night was an 11:00 night. We had The Bankers over for dinner. We were supposed to have the #1s over as well but only the distaff side showed up. #1 was experiencing some tummy issues so he stayed home. I made the Osso Buco for which I am rightly famous. It was quite tasty but I may have cooked it a little long as it was completely off the bone when I served it. That in no way detracted from everyone's gustatory pleasure. The Banker brought a 2011 David Bruce Pinot. We later joked about looking up wines that people bring to see what they cost, which is exactly what I did about ten minutes ago. We did not crack it open last night and since it was about triple what I usually pay for a bottle of wine, it will be going in the closet for a special occasion.

As we were outnumbered, The Banker and I slipped away after the meal to catch some of the ballgame. It was over by that time but I had recorded it. We saw the last few minutes although we knew the outcome. We also caught the ESPN coverage discussing consecutive NCCA tourney wins. We were taken aback by UCLA's 38 so we had to do some research. They indeed took it every year from '64 to '73, excepting the famous Texas Western 1966 victory. That's the one they made into the movie Glory Road. The Banker also appreciated the framed copy of The Times Herald Record's front page from 10/17/69 that hangs in my research center, as he's an upstate boy. That was the day after the Met's took it all, from worst to first.

After I cleaned up the kitchen, we went back to join the ladies. You may ask, "DJ, you made dinner and you cleaned up?". The answer is yes. My wife leads a charmed life. The conversation turned to our aches and pains so I highly recommended my masseuse at Thip Arpa right here in our suburban paradise. I go every couple weeks to get unkinked. You can get a three massage package for $165, which is one hell of a deal.

Since we were having company Saturday night, I had to make sure everything was in tip top shape. I took care of the lawn in the morning. The plastic bag brigade was not in evidence this week in the big FC. I managed to mow 3 separate fresh piles of canine excrement. I may make fun of folks I see walking their dogs with a bag of shit in their hands, but I appreciate this trend. Back when I was a kid, the practice did not exist, My old man would get livid when he'd encounter a steamer on our lawn. A lot of things pissed him off, but this may have made the top of his list.

In the wider world, lots of stuff is going on. Miley Cyrus got a new puppy to cheer her up after her beloved dog Floyd went the way of all flesh. If Miley's sad, I'm sad. I just hope that Floyd did not end up in Yulin.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/dog-meat-festival_n_3468245.html

The debate about whether coffee is good for you or bad for you rages on. I'd like to see more research on the therapeutic value of Irish Coffee.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/275028.php

Here's three recent headlines from HuffPost Celebrity

Khloe Kardashian's Curves Are Killing It In Sexy Swimsuit
Eddie Murphy's Girlfriend Sizzles In A Bikini
Kaley Cuoco's Breast Implants Were The 'Best Decision' She Ever Made

HuffPost Celebrity has a lot in common with my front lawn.