DJ's Detritus

A Creative Writing Class Dropout's Last Refuge

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Impatient Bastard

I’m generally not considered such but waiting in the Safeway checkout line turns me into one.  I try to scope things out before I decide on which line to commit to, but I invariably screw up as I see people that choose a different line after me leave the store before me, with a haughty look on their face I might add.

I chose wrong again yesterday.  I usually do the self-checkout, but you cannot use it with alcohol.  As I’ve mentioned previously, our sage political leaders in Sacramento changed the law so you can no longer self-check your 1.5-liter plastic bottle of Popov vodka or any other booze.  In an aside, I’d like to highly recommend you try the 2016 Artezin Zinfandel from Mendocino.  If you buy six or more, and I always do, you can get it at the bargain price of $12.15 per.

So, now on to my adventure in the checkout line. The woman in front of me didn’t seem to have anything too complicated and the person in front of her was almost done.  Of course, one of that person’s final items engendered an extended conversation about the validity of one of his coupons.  However, they did come to an agreement after a couple minutes and he headed off into the parking lot.  Then Ma Barker decided she was going to pay with a check.  I was born in the 50s and I never do that.  She couldn’t quite get it right the first pass, so she had to pull out a new booklet of checks.  She apologized to me, but I didn’t want her to see the prick inside, so I gently told her it was no problem.  By that time Gampy came up behind me, and he was gabbing from the get-go.  To my chagrin, I briefly engaged him, telling him he’d covered all the major food groups when he put his pastries and gummy bears on the conveyer.  He thought that was a laugh riot and shared it with the guy behind him.  His stream of consciousness bullshit continued as I exited the first world hell that is Safeway.

Sunday, June 03, 2018

I’m A Content Provider

I put a link to my blog on FB last night and I am simply stunned by the results, including one FB comment and blog hits from two separate sources.  This is the power of social media.

I’m going to a pot luck dinner tonight, but I don’t have to bring anything except a bottle of wine.  That’s my favorite kind of pot luck.  But I’ve spent the morning slaving over a hot stove nonetheless, making a fine chicken chili for a few meals this week.  I may even share some with our new roomie, a relative of #1. He’s a grad student with an internship in Santa Clara.  I have to determine how to break it to him that the #1s moved to Singapore so they didn’t have to live with him.  I really don’t understand it because he seems like a good kid.

My wife was out of town a few weekends ago.  I padded around the house a lot, occasionally peering out the window.  I then came to the realization I was one of those old men lurking around his house all day.  Pretty soon I’ll be yelling at school kids to stay off my lawn.

As I mentioned a few posts back, I do make notes for future blog use.  I had one about telling a waiter in a Spanish restaurant to heat up my gazpacho, but then realized I had used that crack years ago.  I’m sure you guys are used to me repeating myself anyway.  I’m 61 for God’s sake!

The wife is currently out doing her Zumba thing followed by a trip to Trader Joe’s.  Right now, I’m trying to figure out how to broach the topic of us having a long-distance relationship.


Friday, May 11, 2018

Cocaine Mitch

OK reader, Don Blankenship and I both want to know if you are an America person.

Now that West Virginia has minimized the possibility that their next senator will be a felon, we can move on to other questions.  The first one is: Which outfits at the 2018 Met gala were your favorites?  This year’s theme was designed to piss off the Catholics.  I’m glad my parents missed it. Another burning question in these parts is when the hell will Foster City get a new post office?  They shut down the old one in January.  Do I have to go all the way to San Mateo to wait in lines and get shitty customer service?

I was down in Palm Beach last weekend, but we could not coordinate our schedules with Don and Melania.  My in-laws had us down for my wife’s 60th birthday, their 25th wedding anniversary and our 30th wedding anniversary.  We had quite the time. All the dinners were high end.  The only disappointment I encountered was at Renato’s, where I had a salmon pasta that had absolutely no flavor.  None.  I am unclear as to why I did not send it back.  Otherwise we chowed down well, and I was able to work off some of the calories at the lap pool.  Molto grazie to my in-laws.

I had a birthday recently as well.  My wife got me a Family Tree DNA kit.  It came back pretty much as I expected, except for the part that said I was 2% Russian oligarch.

There is apparently a heavily penalized NHL player that has nuzzled, kissed and licked his opponents.  I thank The Wig for bringing this to my attention, but it engenders yet another question.  Doesn’t that type of behavior in the NHL lead to getting your ass kicked early and often?

I was reading the NYT wedding announcements recently.  One stated the ceremony would be officiated by a “humanist celebrant”.  I should have thought of that.  Maybe I’ll try that when we renew our vows, which is something I constantly think about.

Friday, April 27, 2018

Are We Human Or Are We Blogger?


If’s it all the same to The Killers upon their induction to the Stupid Lyrics HOF, why can’t I be both.
Was that a good way to start out a blog post?  I’m not sure because it is Friday morning around 8 and I have not had my breakfast yet.  I did not get to the pool this morning, so perhaps I’ll head over after I drop this on the DJ’s Detritus dung pile.
Do you people pay attention to the news?  It’s difficult, isn’t it.  Listening to a portion of Trump’s philippic on Fox and Friends yesterday is as painful as it gets, but on the bright side, some of his declarations were already used in legal filings. There were a couple witty headlines, such as “Old Man Yells at Country” and "Donald From DC Calls in to Fox and Friends". And that is just one day.  Last week he said he might pardon Jack Johnson after talking to Stallone.  Word on the street is that he is also considering pardoning Stallone for making Tango and Cash.
In other related news, Ronny “Candyman” Jackson is out as VA nominee.  Ronny, we hardly knew ye. And Mick Mulvaney explained to us how he deals with lobbyists.  The talking heads on MSNBC say he may have incriminated himself with his recent statements.  And Scotty Boy Pruitt headed to the hill for a grilling. He surprisingly did not take responsibility for any of his actions. Venality is a core competency in the Trump Admin.  Only the best people! 
Last week I was stopped at the crosswalk at Audubon School down the road from my abode when a white BMW lost control, jumped the curb and took out a fire hydrant.  It came to rest in the driveway, as the gusher came down upon it.  Thank God they missed the crossing guard and a student on either side by about five feet.  Maybe the dude needs to get a hand brake like me.
I was on the horn with The Wig recently.  He calls me occasionally because he finds my voice soothing.  He mentioned we should go see Van Morrison at the Masonic this summer when he takes up residence in Marin.  The cheapest tickets I could find were $130.  Since Van the Man has already disappointed me the three times I have seen him in concert, I will be looking for alternative acts we can see.  As I told 4M the last time we saw Van, which was about 25 years ago, he seemed a tad contemptuous. By the way, that crack about The Wig making candles was just that.  However, he is considering working on a line of vegan TV dinners.
I’d like to call out that I had a negative customer experience at Peets this Wednesday.  I had to wait about 10 minutes to get my mud.  Part of that was due to two dudes in front of me ordering beans. The other part was the employees lingering in the back room.  They finally came out when the line reached about 10 people. I’ve stopped getting my beans there and now get their ground stuff from Safeway.  My wife prefers freshly ground, but I don’t care what she prefers in this particular instance. 
I want to thank my friend The Exec, a true thought leader, for motivating me to write this post.  I think of myself as a thought leader as well.  However, many of my thoughts have often led me into trouble.
OK, it is time for me to give my heart and soul to my corporate entity for the next hour or so, after which I think I’ll take a dip.  Ciao.

Sunday, April 08, 2018

Your Sunday Hogwash


I was looking through my old blog notes for some ideas to share with you today.  I’ll give you a minute to get over your surprise that I actually put some effort into this shit.

I saw on FB yesterday a post asking what term people use often that you can’t stand.  My bud Double R put “at the end of the day”, which I agree with wholeheartedly.  I commented on it in my 11/28/09 blog.

Which brings me to my notes, in which I wrote that I am also bothered by the term “space”.  I had to do some research on the webs but came up with a good corporate jargon site which defined it as “A really douchey way to refer to a market or industry.” So, I’m in the telecom space but I was thinking it would be cool to work for NASA, because then I could be in the space space.

You may also be asking “why are you putting a post up so soon after your last one, you lazy SOB.”  I’m occupying myself to stave off desperation.  My wife has been gone for 29 hours and she’s not coming back until tomorrow.  The Exec and I are getting together tonight at Ben Tre to console each other.  I’m going to suggest we trash both our houses afterwards.  That’ll teach them.

The Wig is coming out to spend the summer in West Marin. I’ll have to introduce him to some of my FC buds.  We’re looking forward to heading up there to spend a few weekends with them.  I told him I’d make my osso buco.  People are incapable of turning that down.  It will be fun to have him so close by, but I’m concerned that by the end of summer he will have grown out his goatee and started making candles.

Tuesday, April 03, 2018

Blockchain


I don’t know what the hell it is either.
There have been a few celebrity splits lately, but I don’t want to focus on the negative.  I am cheered by the fact that the “hot felon” is having a baby.
SB1 had a birthday yesterday so I slipped him a few bucks, so he could take his girlfriend out for a nice dinner.  This continues a proud family tradition.  My dad would always give me a call on my birthday to let me know he was spending part of my inheritance on a chic dinner for himself and my mom to celebrate my birth.
My wife is going up to Portland this weekend to visit the girl.  I was originally slated for that trip until Mrs. Exec expressed some interest, which got me bumped. My wife gets away with a lot of shit, but she brings in a decent paycheck and has a pension, so I gotta choose my battles.  I invited some of the boys over for dinner but no takers so far. TCG told me he is heading down to San Diego for Greek Easter, or Greaster as I call it.
I asked The UK his thoughts on my blog.  He says it is OK but needs to be more edgy.  I think saying my wife gets away with a lot of shit and coining terms like Greaster is about as edgy as I’m going to get.  But the UK is a generous guy and he acknowledges that I had great hair in high school, so I got no beef.
#1 and family recently took a trip to Phuket, Thailand.  They were doing some scout work for Asiapalooza ’18, our FC fun bunch trip coming up this summer.  You can read their blog at:
It’ll probably be good to get out of the country for a couple weeks.  Do you ever read the news in the morning, shake your head, and wonder what the hell went wrong, as the U.S. executive branch transmogrifies into an absurdist drama?  Today the orange one is badmouthing CNN and their chief as well as talking about having the military guard the Mexican border.  This petty dope is your president.
But Trump does have his fans.  Thought leader Tomi Lahren is one of them.  She showed her support for the lunatic fringe that is the NRA by posting the below picture recently.  Her workout consists of the following yoga poses:
Cat and camel
Downward dog
Shoot your parts



Friday, March 09, 2018

Happy Friday

I saw #1 last night.  I also saw him Sunday night.  He moved to Singapore last year but maybe if he’d stay away from the Bay Area for more than a couple months at a time, I’d miss him.

The boys got together Sunday night like a bunch of ladies to watch The Oscars.  TCG put on a fine spread.  I ended up getting hammered, which caused me to take the hair of the dog Monday morning.  I got carried away and started calling the cable news channels.  No, wait, that was Sam Nunberg. I looked up Sammy boy on Wikipedia to see what the hell he’s done in his life.  He does have a B.A. in history.  I almost had one too but all it got me was a 30-year gig as a telecom factotum.  Sammy had some beer courage Monday, but he soon changed his tune because he does not look good in stripes.  Today’s Slate news quiz opened with the line “March Madness has arrived, and his name is Sam Nunberg”.

My bud The Wig and his lovely bride flew off to Valencia yesterday to see their youngest, who is doing a semester there.  The weather was playing havoc this week with East Coast flights, but they got out OK. Their SB2 is meeting them as well.  I gotta ask him what he’s doing with my future pal Franklin the Dachshund while away.  Being a Wig, he’s got a lot of friends that can help.

Have you ever seen those Booster trucks?  They say, "Get gas delivered while you work".  Somebody is going to have to explain their business model to me as well as tell me who the hell is too busy or important to make a five-minute stop at the gas station.  OK, you envision me as an 80-year-old in an easy chair with a glass of Zin saying, “In my day, we pumped our own gas, and we liked it”

I passed a moving truck the other day and, on the back, it said, “we sell oxes”.  I thought to myself that they need to get with modern times until I realized that the b had been obliterated.

The blog turned twelve last week and no one said anything.  Ingrates!

The flick my kid helped edit is coming to a theater near you.