No Safe Way

I almost ran into #2 at the grocery store today, but I was able to come to a stop in time. I did take his parking spot though. Safeway is no place to be during a holiday. It’s like stepping onto the set of “Night of the Living Dead”. I had to brave it because we needed several items to get through the day. We’re having BLTs for dinner but the wife decided to make bacon a key ingredient in her breakfast this morning, so we were caught short. Usually I can hide things from her in the refrigerator. She’ll buy some stuff at Trader Joes’, like feta cheese or artichoke dip, which will sit there until it’s ready to become penicillin. I then call the county toxic waste unit to dispose of it. If it’s not on the center of the top shelf, she can’t find it. But I should not be too insensitive. She’s had a tough weekend. She dropped Barney on her pinkie toe yesterday. Barney, The Purple Dinosaur, weighs about five pounds. He talks when you squeeze his hand or foot. He squawked “pedicure time” after she dropped him.

I am not without my own flaws. I have to confess that I snuck into the 15 items or less express lane with 16 items today. I didn’t feel much remorse because behind me were three 20 something zombies that had annoyed me earlier in the health and beauty aisle. I was there to pick up some shampoo and conditioner for my daughter. She likes the Infusium 23 brand. They were out of that but the generic equivalent, Confusium 24, was available. The only drawback is you can’t keep the conditioner on too long or you get disoriented.

In the real express lane, 8 items or less, was a fellow American looking for flags. A long conversation ensued among many checkers as to their location. The two people in front of me and I managed to check out before that situation was resolved. Finally there was consensus that the flags were in the dairy aisle. That’s logical but I think it’s unpatriotic to hold up the express lane.