Dear Exec
Since I received your communiqué, I had been puzzling as to what I could do to aid you in your time of tribulation. After much thought, I realized that what you need is a life coach. I immediately formed and headed up a search team. Over this past weekend, we narrowed it down to two candidates; Dick Cheney and me. I’m delighted to announce that I’ve accepted the job.
For your first assignment, you will be provided a visualization exercise. My strong suggestion is that you carry this out at the club, during a tribathalon, in order to relax the mind and focus your energies. As you sit in the hot tub, let your thoughts drift back to the Oakland Coliseum. It is a microcosm of the Bay Area, full of well adjusted, educated, upper middle class individuals. Then, on the outside looking in, are you and the guy trying to pick up chicks with a pack of Marlboros. Make your best effort to re-live the experience, this time without being a disagreeable bastard.
We’ll get together this coming weekend to review your progress and buy you a pair of quality earplugs.
For your first assignment, you will be provided a visualization exercise. My strong suggestion is that you carry this out at the club, during a tribathalon, in order to relax the mind and focus your energies. As you sit in the hot tub, let your thoughts drift back to the Oakland Coliseum. It is a microcosm of the Bay Area, full of well adjusted, educated, upper middle class individuals. Then, on the outside looking in, are you and the guy trying to pick up chicks with a pack of Marlboros. Make your best effort to re-live the experience, this time without being a disagreeable bastard.
We’ll get together this coming weekend to review your progress and buy you a pair of quality earplugs.
posted by DJ @ 4:41 PM
3 Comments:
At 7/14/2007 9:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Well, once upon a time (maybe still) you needed a bleditor. Being the only one capable, I stepped up. Now, you need a clinical supervisor. Once again, I stand at the ready. P
At 7/14/2007 11:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
I've always said everything I needed to know I learned as a Little League baseball coach. As in: "This is a game in which you learn how to fail." And, "Don't scratch yourself."
I'm one for two. Ask my wife, my friends, and colleagues at work. They'll tell you, I've learned well how to fail. When it comes to scratching, it's two balls and a strike for me, okay?
Anyway, my point is that a coach needs a coach. So you're on. My life is garbage. So why wouldn't I hire a guy who writes about detritus all the time?
P.S. The visualization is working. In my mind's eye I've already been approached and rejected by a young woman with missing teeth from Hollister, an Rubenesque forty something who's husband recently left her for another man, and by #1.
At 7/18/2007 11:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
#1's sexual ambiguity has been apparent for years, as the Exec's visualization bares out. Not that there is anything wrong with that. However, one would hope that both the Exec and #1 would demonstrate better taste in potential partners.
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