Entertainment This Afternoon

The VMAs, that cultural Armageddon, took place last night. I'm here to provide you the lowlights. I didn't actually watch it, because that would be excruciating. But the fatuous press has gladly provided me a lot of material.

Beyonce provided a feminist message while flashing a copious amount of T and A. She also brought the kid and hubby on stage and thanked God. Oy! Spare me.

There was a lot made of the fact that Katie Perry and her date Riff Raff showed up reprising the Timberlake/Spears denim outfits of years back. I think retro is cool. I might even be able to pull off a 40s/50s double breasted look with a fedora. But just because a couple young knuckleheads get dressed up in hokey denim togs, it doesn't mean you have to. The article I just read says that Riff Raff has always looked up to Vanilla Ice. The poor guy needs more role models. Katie has picked another winner.

The wardrobe malfunction of the night belonged to Nikki Minaj. She had to hold her dress together to avoid flashing the crowd. She also shook her ass a great deal. The snake was a no show because it bit one of the back up dancers during rehearsal. I think that merits hazardous duty pay.

Common called for a moment of silence for Michael Brown. The Kardashians took that opportunity to send a few important texts. Kim's outfit was uncharacteristically revealing.

It looks like Taylor Swift wore a bathing suit. I guess that is part of the action plan in her switch from country to pop. Amber Rose's outfit wins the conservation award for using the least material. However, this is my nomination for worst outfit of the night. His name is Jeremy Scott. I never heard of him either. Google tells me he's a fashion designer. I ain't buying it.