Tommy Boy

I got a note from my old friend MOC recently. She was wondering about my feelings regarding Tom Cruise's recent travails. I wish she had had the same level of concern for my feelings when she broke my fragile 14 year old heart back in the high school cafeteria. But I guess that's water under the bridge, at least for her.

The reason I haven't written about Tom is that I've been too busy stalking his family trying to get the first pictures of Suri. I could sell those to People and retire from this gig and do what I really want to do, which is make a rap and reggae album with Paris Hilton. I heard she thought her first album was so good that "I, like, cried". When I read that I, like, puked.

OK, back to Tommy Boy. He and Sumner Redstone apparently didn't see eye to eye so they had a parting of the ways. There were conflicting stories. Who is a blogger to believe?! A short, whacked Scientologist movie star or a cranky old capitalist? I'm torn. Oh DJ, you're glib. Tom has clearly made some errors in judgment recently. It was a colossal mistake to hire his sister to do his PR. Before she took over, I thought he was a reasonably adjusted 6 foot tall actor. He's since hired a new PR person but some may say the damage is done. Recently my sources told me that he is now putting his money and influence behind the effort to resurrect the career of his brother Pablo's band. And the latest is that he's lined up financing from a group led by Dan Snyder, owner of the Redskins. Snyder has managed to operate a consistently mediocre football team with his hundreds of millions of dollars so I'm wondering what great movies this pair will produce. I'm going to try to pitch a script to them called "The Placekicker", with Cruise playing the lead role in a Garo Yepremian biopic. If things don't work out with this new partnership I think Tom will still be OK. I'm sure he's saved a few bucks. If not, he can get a job with Ethan Allen's quality control department as the head sofa jumper.

In closing, I'd like to address a recent comment I received. One of my faithful readers may have misinterpreted my remarks regarding CSI. I'm reasonably sure it was The Upgrade King since he referenced "HD and Dolby Digital 5.1". I'd like to assure him that I was not dissing CSI. I was dissing K-Fed. I don't watch CSI. I only watch PBS and the E Channel. I have to make sure I stay on The Upgrade King's good side. He has a house in Tahoe and he might be able to help me find a job in the valley once my current company fires me.