DJ's Detritus

You Come Up With A Title

2012-02-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

There's lots of crazy stuff in the news these days. One headline proclaimed "More Pets Prescribed Psychiatric Drugs". I had no idea Rover could get so bummed. My take is that we should focus on making sure all the humans in the world have three hots and a flop before our pets start listening to Prozac.

Then there was the article about 1.8 million dead voters on the rolls in the U.S. That is some serious mismanagement. And that was just counting the Tea Partiers from the neck up.

Things at work have been interesting of late. Not the actual work, but that's besides the point. We have a wall where we can write anything that comes to mind. I overcame my natural shyness a few weeks ago and posted the final score of the Super Bowl. Since then I've been making regular contributions. I posted "TPS Reports Due Today" followed by several lines from the movie Office Space. If you have not seen it, go rent it asap. I'm sure all the engineers that work in my office appreciated the line "I talk to the customers so the engineers don't have to"

And then I went to the sandwich cafe today for lunch. You fill out a form with what you want and add your first name and last initial. I think there was a wiseguy there because I know I heard a Kenny G. So this naturally gave me an idea. I plan to go with a bunch of co-workers. I'll be Jay Z and a couple buddies can be Ali G, Nat X and Bobby V. One of the women can be Cher B.

On the way home from my exciting work day, I caught a billboard on 101 North. It was inviting me to San Diego with a tag line of "Sheer Bliss". Really?! It just so happens my mother-in-law lives in San Diego. Nuff said.

SANTORUMANIA

2012-02-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

I came straight home from work today, put on my sweater vest, and started writing. Ricky's hat trick yesterday has made him the latest GOP Golden Boy. It's his time to shine. I, for one, would love to see him become the 2012 Republican nominee. I think we could be assured of the same outcome as his last Senate run.

Valentine's Day is coming up. I'm as psyched as you are. I told wifey we should go out Saturday night and leave next Tuesday to the amateurs.

Brandon Jacobs is lashing out at Giselle for lashing out. Oh my!. Why don't you people go home, read your bank statements, and chillax.

I've been wondering what to do with my prodigious writing talent. I've decided I have the skill to write Red Hot Chili Pepper lyrics.

"Tug boat Sheila is into memorabilia"

I know the bar is high. But the way I look at it, "Hey oh, listen what I say oh"

How's this?

DJ's Detritus

Don't let them fight us

Cuz we make a little fun

That RHCP is overdone

I heard a little while back that Jay-Z won't be calling women bitches anymore. Now that is a stand up guy.

In closing, I'd like to acknowledge the fact that it only took until early February for me to miss the SLA. I realize there is only one person to blame. That person is #1.

Hump Day

2012-01-25T18:49:00.000-08:00

I was planning to go the gym today to pump iron and work on my beer keg abs. However my left shoulder is bugging the hell out of me. I think i got it from being hugged too much by the numbers, The Exec and TCG this weekend. In any case, I thought I should do something productive in lieu of the gym. In the end, I decided to blog instead.

Did anyone watch the State of the Union address? I missed it but did see part of the Republican rebuttal. I think the guy's name was Charlie Daniels. Mittens said Obama's speech was "detached from reality". That is rich, no pun intended. Mitt's reality is pulling in $60k a day in investment income while trying to pull off the regular guy look on the campaign trail.

Today The President and Arizona Governor Jan Brewer had a little chat. I think he needs to find a way to deport her. But I do appreciate that she respects the office of the president, much like I did during the Bush administration.

I'm Disappointed, You're Crazy

2012-01-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

Kenny Williams, White Sox GM, is questioning the "culture of sports". So am I. His son Kyle, a 49er, had a bad day on the field yesterday. Subsequently, he received death threats. To anybody that would even consider such a thing, go put Super Bowls XVI, XIX, XXIII, XXIV, and XXIX on a endless loop on the big screen in your shack and stay the hell away from us humans.

Niners!

2012-01-16T07:22:00.000-08:00

Jumping on the 49er bandwagon, the wife and I were stoked by Saturday's victory. One hell of a game, whoever your team is. I wonder if #1 can come up with a plausible explanation as to how his mediocre, non-playoff Cowboys managed to beat the Niners this year. We'll see. And now my team takes on the NY Giants, the team of my youth. We caught the Packers/Giants game at the Exec's house yesterday. He was making noises about having an NFC Championship get together at his place next week. We'll see if he comes through. If he does, I'll make a pile of my signature brisket for an early dinner. I am not expecting #1 to be invited.

After the Giant's game, the wife and I had a date night. We had a convivial dinner at the Presidio Social Club although, much like Lady Gaga, we are caught in a bad romance. SF's Dine About Town is on and brought us north. We were discussing this during the meal. We thought there was a paucity of high end restaurants participating, which we had recalled from years past. But that may be hooey as cognitive ability can diminish past age 45. Regardless, PSC offers good food in an inviting atmosphere, plus easy parking in the big city.

On the subject of urban chow, I got some snail mail from The Wolv recently, with the below article included. We like to go old school now and then and exchange an actual letter. But I was surprised that he was reading the WSJ. I thought he was more of a NY Post or NY Daily News kind of guy. He suggested I try to pull off an SF version. Yelp is alleging 391 pizza by the slice joints in the SF. That sounds like a retirement project. I'd like to move back after chucking the daily grind, but my wife is threatening to pack us off to Sonoma. A solid decade back in the city by the bay before I lapse into permanent geezerhood is preferred.

http://tinyurl.com/cdfafuh

SB1 headed back to DC for his final semester Saturday. My big boy intends to stick in DC afterward. I'm getting old. My girl has been diligently rehabbing and I hope to see her back on the court in a few months. I just wish she'd call me as much as she does her mom. I like girl talk as much as anybody. SB2 is still here pushing me around.

The FC boys are getting together for a walk this morning. I may be joining them. I just need to brace myself for a hug o rama first.

Crapulent

2012-01-07T11:22:00.000-08:00

That is the DJ word of the day. Some of you may have been feeling this way during the recent holidays. Look it up people.

As mentioned in my last brief post, adherence to the SLA has been dicey of late. I'm sure that many of my readers are disappointed in me, much as my parents were. 2012 will be a better year.

The indoor pool at my posh club re-opened recently after some remodeling so I was able to take SB2 for some exercise. Since I'm out of practice, i forgot to take a spare diaper and the one he was wearing was, let's say, well used. So after the swim he had to go commando. As I dressed him, he knew something was amiss. "Hey Dad, you forgetting something?". So we meandered to the car with SB2 doing a hand check on his crotch periodically.

Speaking of the posh club, I went for a swim the other evening and encountered someone I've decided to name "iPad Boy". He was 11 or 12 years old, with a backpack barely hanging on, headphones in, engrossed in his iPad. The kid stopped to check FB in between the double doors at the entry to the locker room. Surprisingly, he sensed me behind him so he moved along. A minute later, I see the backpack dropped in the middle of the floor and the kid taking a leak at the urinal, both hands on the iPad. I hope he has good aim. This is what we are coming to, a society maladroit at negotiating hallways and sidewalks because we are so enraptured with our devices.

I just got back from a good walk with my buds #1, Exec and TCG. We're minor celebrities in Foster City so we chatted up a few folks at the Starbucks. I was telling them about an article I read yesterday stating that cognitive decline may begin as early as 45. But that's OK. My wife insists on keeping me around even though I've passed my expiration date, just like she insists on keeping those seven or eight bottles of salad dressing in the refrigerator.

http://tinyurl.com/7vf6dxg

SB1 has been around for a few weeks. The girl was only home for a few days but the older guy has been running up my grocery bill since late December. He had a beard for a while. He decided to shave it because of its reddish tinge. He can thank me for that. He's also inherited a bit of my sense of humor. He introduced me to this video. I'm too mature to truly enjoy it. Don't be a party pooper. Take a look.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjwofYhUJEM

Happy Festivus

2011-12-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

The main grievance is with DJ, for not consistently hitting the SLA of late. He will endeavor to improve in 2012, unless the world ends.

Flotsam

2011-12-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

I'm a bit overdue. What do you people expect? I've been working on my Christmas letter. It takes a lot out of me.

Blago got 14 years this week. I'm not a big fan, but that does seem excessive to me, given what other politicians do and the fact that violent criminals often serve less time. I can't remember where I heard it, but the word is that Blago's hairdresser got life.

There's been a lot of other stuff going on. Newt is on the ascent but I'm sure he'll find a way to hose it. I read an interesting article in The Slate about him, asking the important question, "Is Newt Nuts?"

http://tinyurl.com/876kvlj

Newt is one of the few Republicans that has accepted the invite for Donald Trump's debate. What a sideshow that is going to be. Is is just me or does Trump look like an orange with a bad haircut?

Beyonce was on 20/20 recently. I didn't read up on it but she apparently discussed her food cravings and other pregnancy related items. Good stuff. I wonder if billions of other women throughout history have had similar experiences.

So I mentioned a while back that I'm into Pandora radio now. One of their recurring commercials is for Panera Bread, stating that one of their best kept secrets is that they make fresh bread every day. Really!? You're a bakery, correct?

A quarter of a billion for Pujols. Holy crap Batman!

Tattoo You

2011-11-29T19:42:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, I don't just throw stuff up here when the mood strikes me. I keep a running sheet of ideas for my blog. However, some of them are based on current events, so if I don't get to them, they get stale. There's always some Kardashian crap, like Kris Jenner saying she believed that O.J. killed Nicole. No shit Kris. The Soup had a good one a few weeks back when they were talking about the wedding scene in Breaking Dawn. They showed a clip and then mentioned the parents of the undead, and panned to a shot of Bruce and Kris Jenner at Kim's most recent nuptials. What I really want to do in life is write for The Soup, or Letterman et al. But I make the big bucks as a telecommunications factotum, so I gotta stick to my knitting.

I also have note about Harold Camping retiring. I guess when the last predicted rapture failed to materialize, he decided to call it a wrap. I tried to make a hay from that one earlier this year. I wrote about it in one of my weekly columns and also used it for some FB fodder, e.g. "I don't buy into any of that Camping BS. Hey, what's that noise?"

So what the hell does all this have to do with your title DJ. Chill. I'm getting there. One of the other items I've had percolating is a discussion I had with my dermatologist during a visit last month. We got on the subject of tattoos and vehemently agreed that today's chucklehead youth are going be regretting their decision to get inked. I saw a young actress on Letterman recently and she was already bemoaning the tat in Cyrillic encircling her wrist.

Occupy Cubeland

2011-11-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

Bruce sang "I come from down in the valley where mister when you're young"

I work down in the valley, where mister, they're all younger than me. I was grabbing a cup of coffee at the office today and turned around to see a kid I thought should have still been in high school. He probably makes more dough than me. I'm sure I'll eventually refer to this gig as my days as The Ancient Mariner. The fountain of youth flows freely outside of my building, but my badge does not allow me access.

By the way, I really see no good reason to piss off Louis Freeh.

http://news.yahoo.com/former-fbi-director-louise-freeh-head-latest-penn-172351546.html

She Turned Me Into A Newt

2011-11-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

I got better

The polls have turned Newt Gingrich into the latest Republican flavor of the month. Don't worry. He'll get better. He can then get back to hawking crap, buying jewelry and cruising the Greek Isles. The next guy who will have his day in the sun is Jon Huntsman. I'm expecting a surge in his poll numbers of between 2% and 3%. I think he has even better hair than Romney. Ultimately there will be a Mitt in the middle GOP group hug, who will get his ass kicked by Obama.

My pal 4M sends me blog material from time to time. He doesn't read the blog. He just sends ideas. The latest was a WSJ article about a mattress manufacturer named Kluft that has a couple models, at $33k and $44k per. If they have a built in CPAP and are stuffed with cash, I might be interested. Otherwise I'll leave those for people with too much money.

It's pretty crazy what people will spend money on. Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kim Zolciak spent $58,00 on a wedding dress. Why not put that money aside for prudent future use, like a divorce attorney.

Speaking of the subject, Kris Humphries came to his senses and will sign the papers. That's a no brainer bud. Run and don't look back.

I'm planning to round up the boys for a movie night. Who's in for Breaking Dawn?

Commerce, Education, and....

2011-11-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

Rick Perry stepped on his dick today. If you are talking about a major overhaul of the bureaucracy, let's get the big ticket items memorized.

The audience at the debate booed Maria Bartiromo for asking Herman Cain about the sexual harassment charges. I'm OK with booing Maria Bartiromo, but not for asking about the elephant in the room

I had planned on writing a piece about the European debt mess. My working title was Greek Salad. I shared a little bit of the creative process with my bud The Wolv. Part of the creative process is being stymied by the fact that I don't know enough about economics to make heads or tails out of what's going on. Fortunately the Greeks decided against a referendum on something that was already hammered out. However, they can't seem to form a government. And now Italy, whose economy is too big to bail out, is going down the crapper. Well, at least we get rid of Silvio Berlusconi.

I stop at Peets most mornings on my way down to the Valley of Dreams. I saw an ad for their Godiva Caramel Pecan Mocha. They need to wedge a few more flavors in there.

What's all this talk about Eddie Money not hosting the Oscars?

I'm Stunned

2011-10-31T16:44:00.001-07:00

I thought the Mayan calendar said Kim Kardashian's marriage wasn't supposed to end until 2012.

Blotter

2011-10-30T10:49:00.000-07:00

I just got back from the club. I was there for a tribathalon. I noticed that some people did not get the memo. Spandex is only intended for a subset of the population. I'll head back this afternoon to take SB2 for a swim. Then I'll come home and watch the Niners. I'm a fan again since they're winning.

Since all I've heard from my former employer in the writing business is crickets, I've decided to bring one of my more popular features, the police blotter review, to the blog. That's right, I'm taking the franchise private. It may be slightly different as I no longer need to dial it back for public consumption. There was not much to work with this month, but then again, this one is a freebie. Without further adieu, here it is, with the verbatim blotter item in plain text and my comments in italics.

10:31 a.m., Chess Drive: A rental company reported a truck wasn’t returned when it was due back.

Don't you guys have a half hour grace period or something?

11:39 a.m., Edgewater Boulevard: A business complained that a delivery truck blocked their customer parking.

Don't you guys have a half hour grace period or something?

11:41 a.m., Jamba Juice on Metro Center Boulevard: Yellow cab driver fled after backing into another car. Cab described as Lincoln Towne with billboard signage advertising 107.7 FM.

That cab sounds like one sweet ride.

12:56 p.m., Foster’s Landing Apartments on Bounty Drive: A Good Samaritan found a bicycle and brought it into the police station, where the owner picked it up shortly afterwards

Just like the tale from the New Testament.

7:16 p.m., Killdeer Park on Killdeer Court: Police received a report of a person being chased by a small unleashed dog, but the dog was gone by the time the cops showed up.

The Taco Bell chihuahua strikes again.

9:17 a.m., Franciscan Apartments on Foster City Boulevard: A property manager reported a man pilfering recyclables from an apartment complex, but the burglar got away on his bicycle by the time the cops showed up.

If your getting rid of shit, it's not exactly pilfering.

3:26 a.m., Sea Spray Lane: An identity thief opened a credit card in a Foster City resident’s name.

SOB

10:07 p.m., Comet Drive: A motorist complained to police that a vandal has repeatedly put feces on their car.

How do you know that the Taco Bell chihuahua didn't jump up there and drop one?

5:08 p.m., Sea Cloud Park on Sea Cloud Drive: Police were summoned to mediate a dispute between parents at a children’s soccer game after receiving complaints of a disturbance.

Soccer moms have always frightened me.

The Rickster, Rickorama

2011-10-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

I glanced at the news yesterday. Rick Perry said that he should not have participated in the Republican debates. He also said that Obama was an American citizen. Holy shit Rick! When was the last time you were right twice in the same day?

Unfortunately Donald Trump is doubting the authenticity of Obama's birth certificate. Hey pal, I'm not sure all of your wife's body parts are authentic but I don't go making a big deal about it, do I?

The media outlet formerly known as my journalistic home was running a story about local mail delivery, with several comments from the peanut gallery. Apparently there have been some route changes and missed deliveries. One of my ex-readers said that we should have been notified. I chimed in, saying "Maybe they sent the notification in the mail". I so funny.

Moammar No Mo'

2011-10-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

Well, they finally got the bastard. What he was thinking not bailing out of there earlier, I have no clue. Maybe nobody would give him asylum. I guess I should read the news more closely. But then I'd be treated to graphic pics like I was today on The Google. I could do without that. I remember when I was a kid and the hometown newspaper put a picture of three dudes getting hung on the front page. That creeped me out big time and I'll never forget it.

In happier news, I made a stop at BevMo today. The clerk asked me if I had my BevMo card. I said "Yeah, what's it to ya?" Then as he gave me my receipt, he also handed me a card for a survey so I could tell them about my "experience". I said I'd like him to tell me what his experience dealing with me was like. I told him not to pull any punches, but that discussion went nowhere.

Late

2011-10-16T16:45:00.000-07:00

Bless me readers, for I have sinned. It's been eleven days since my last post.

I was going to put something up here last week regarding the hullabaloo with Hank Jr. but then I figured enough has been written about that dope. Bochephus wrote a new song about the whole thing. I haven't heard it but I'm sure its a measured and cogent response to recent events. I'm not sure why the hell we are paying attention to these people anyway. Are we going to see Brian Williams discussing Obama foreign policy with Kim Kardashian some day?

There's still no news about my erstwhile professional writing gig. I get the feeling I won't be hearing from those folks again. I was mulling over writing a snarky letter. That might not be prudent if I ever want to use them as a reference. However, I'll still write it. I'll just publish it here. I also plan to keep reviewing the FC police blotter. That will help me keep up with the SLA.

I was disheartened to see Chynna Philips get the boot from DWTS. I read something she said about having to process her feelings. Yeah, process this. How the hell did you get to the stage of your life where you actually accepted an invitation to go on DWTS.

Not Much

2011-10-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

I think I missed the SLA but maybe I'll change it back to every week instead of every 10 days. My professional writing gig may be coming to an end. They'll be looking at metrics etc. and letting me know my fate at some point. In the interim, and possibly forever, the only writing you'll see from me is here. I know this will cause weeping and gnashing of teeth, but you'll get over it.

Have you ever seen that show The Mentalist? I haven't, but Letterman often makes jokes about his heightened powers of observation. I was thinking the other day that this guy could probably tell the difference between American Idol and X Factor.

What the hell did October do to deserve this? Subway has Anytober, Disney has Monstober, and Mini has Motor-Tober. Moronic. Can't the ad wizards come up with anything better than that.

I hear SB1 is going up to NYC this weekend to catch a band named Dead Mouse. Where the hell did I go wrong?

That's all I got.

Flummery

2011-09-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

My buddy The Exec had a hip replacement recently. I'm dedicating this post and the clip below to him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SN8pWdZhVaM

I got The UK coming to my house this afternoon. I generally don't like him in my neighborhood, but it can't be avoided.

I'm having my beautiful Volvo worked on today. If you're looking for a great mechanic, look no further than Wally at Norfolk Auto in San Mateo.

I hear #1 is in Tahoe doing some hiking this weekend. He must have had an extremely busy week at work because he has not busted my balls about the Cowboys beating the Niners.

I got some spam from seniorpeoplemeet.com. Gimme a break! I'm not in the market and I don't want to be referred to as a senior. I'd be OK with geezerdrinkingbuddies.com

Below you will find Tim Geithner, a big fan of The Bangles, doing his version of Walk Like An Egyptian.

Palaver

2011-09-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm crestfallen. Michaele Salahi has left Tareq for Neal Schon of Journey, who himself has been married for only a few months, to a 1986 Playboy playmate. I thought the Salahis really had it together. What went wrong?

I went to see my sister a couple weekends ago. Both she and my brother live in Oaktown. I failed to to tell my bro I was heading across the bay but he tracked me down at my sister's house. He made a very good point that I had shown disrespect, as he is now the titular head of the family. I kissed his hand and apologized.

SB2 is constantly learning stuff. He now understands the concept of the courtesy flush. When he drops one, he reaches back and flushes. Of course he does the same thing when he pees, but I ain't complaining.

#1 has not contacted me yet to gloat about the Cowboys taking the Niners in overtime. I'm waiting.

Here's the type of stuff I think about on my drive to work. I passed a General Produce truck and caught their slogan: "We solve your produce needs." I do not think that is correct. I think they should either fulfill our produce needs or solve our produce problems. I plan to get in touch with them.

As I believe I've mentioned in the past, I'm pretty hip. 105.3 is one of the buttons on my car radio. I've been catching a few interesting tunes. You can't help but hear Pumped Up Kicks by Foster The People but there is a new one out called Cough Syrup by Young The Giant. I'm wondering how youngsters today come up with such themes. Wow, they're so DARK. They probably wrote those lyrics sitting in their Intro to American Lit classes.

I guess I'll be one of the last to get a smart phone. That's OK. My phone is Y2K compatible.

Wretched Excess

2011-09-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

The Pumpkin Spice Latte is back. Drink 'em while you got 'em.

My wife headed to Yosemite for a wedding last night. I made a special trip to Pancho Villa's in San Mateo to pick up a couple burritos for our dinner. She ate mine. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think carnitas tastes like carne asada. I'm trying to decide whether to forgive her.

My buddies are up in Tahoe at our annual post-Labor Day retreat. I had to miss this one. I figured it wasn't a good idea to ask for a day off from work when I've only been there a few weeks. I know they can't have as good a time without me, but I hope they have fun anyway.

I've discovered Pandora Radio. I realize it's been around for several years, but I'm not exactly what you'd call an early adopter.

Has anybody seen the latest cast of "Dancing With The Stars"? I didn't think so.

Three Day Weekend

2011-09-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

My Labor Day plans are screwed. I just got kicked off a flight for wearing sagging pants.

My girl heads to college today. All sorts of sentimental thoughts are running through my mind, e.g. "two down, one to go".

I used to like scary movies when I was a kid. One of the local NYC stations had Creature Features on Saturday night. The old Karloff and Lugosi films don't do it for me anymore so tonight I plan to start reading Dick Cheney's memoir.

How do you spell Gaddafi? Well, there's apparently a myriad of ways. Soon enough you'll be able spell it "toast". This reminds me of a story from my days when I was working with The Wolv. We were on a shift with a guy named Danny on a hot SF day, a rarity, back in the mid-80s. Danny decided to put his t-shirt around his head to keep the sun off. The Wolv dubbed him Moammar KaDanny.

Hooey

2011-08-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

I usually steal ideas from my blog for my paid writing gig but it's the other way around this time.

Did you see the Jon Huntsman news? I sort of like the guy because he bought into all that climate change and evolution craziness. But now he's gone off the deep end and said he'd be up for a Bachman/Huntsman ticket. He apparently tried to backtrack but the damage is done. Go back to Utah pal.

Kim Kardashian got millions of dollars worth of stuff, like flowers and champagne, comped for her wedding and People magazine is paying her $1.5 million for the pics. In a related note, I'm puking into my hat.

Maybe some of you have noticed that I'm growing my hair out. I want to get a do like Newt Gingrich's wife.

Behind

2011-08-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I realize I gotta slap something up here but don't expect much. I just poured my heart and soul into my latest paid writing gig 500 word snoozefest. Plus I have to start a real job tomorrow. This geezer will have to prove himself yet again, hopefully for the last time.

I was sad to see T-Paw move on. His charisma was setting me on fire. A fellow Minnesotan, the batshit crazy Michelle Bachmann, has won the Iowa straw poll. This is as frightening as Rick Perry entering the race. The last thing this country needs is another swaggering, not particularly bright Texan.

Here's a shout out to The UK for having us up to his Kirkwood place last weekend. I took some notes but lost them so I cannot provide too many details. We had some good food and wine and spent some time on the deck. I do recall we got into a discussion about the use of hair product. 4M was vehemently opposed but the rest of us are metrosexuals and we realize that the discrete use of product is appropriate.

Food Etc.

2011-08-04T07:22:00.001-07:00

I caught some happy news recently. Cheesecake Factory is coming to my local mall. I can't wait! This coincides nicely with the introduction of their SkinnyLicious Menu.

Ferran Adria's El Bulli has closed. I would have liked to try it but trans-continental flights for a meal are generally outside of my budget. The last meal was 50 courses. Really??!!. I'm a bit of a foodie, but c'mon. That's a lot of plate washing.

I had a good meal at #1's place this weekend. He whipped up some achiote chicken and a Mexican pork dish I can't recall the name of. The featured dish was his salad of grilled pineapple and shrimp with a hint of vanilla bean, which was served, of course, on a bed of baby field greens. The Unc and his wife also joined us. I generally don't like to have my non-Foster City friends join the FCMC folks because it has the potential to be a combustible mix. However, on this evening, everyone got along. The Uncs were there to share their pictures and tales of their recent Turkey trip. The #1s head there next year.

My wife was so taken with the meal that she went down to El Pueblo in EPA to get some of the achiote chicken for one of the family meals. I grilled it up last night to serve with the rice and beans she got there.. I whipped up my patented guacamole and a few killer margaritas. Then SB2 and I caught a few episodes of Special Agent Oso on the big screen in my bedroom. We're having the family room floor done so he's been banished to other TV venues.

Time To Eat Our Peas

2011-07-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

And read my blog.

The SLA has snuck up on me. I should be cranking out more posts since I have been off work since July 8, but prolific I am not. After thirteen years at a large Silicon Valley company, I was offered an early retirement package. I took the money and ran, like a thief across the neighbor's yard. I'm going to go in a completely new direction in life. I start my new gig at another large Silicon Valley company next month.

I had a good weekend. Does anyone want to hear about it? I took SB2 to the pool for a dip Saturday. We had a good time doing our normal routine, with him launching himself off my gut. I told my wife we need to get a video of that. Now that it's in writing, she's committed. When I got the boy out to shower up, both handicapped showers were taken, one by a handicapped gentleman. The other was occupied by an able bodied man. I said loudly to SB2, "He'll be out in a minute". He said, "I'm coming out". I said "Yeah!". I felt like saying, "What the hell are you doing in there in the first place!". Some people are just clueless.

We went over to the East Bay for dinner with my siblings and LA Saturday night at Mua. The food and company were stellar. My brother ended up treating us. I'm still trying to figure out who put the crowbar in his wallet. We stayed at my sister's house, which doubles as a luxury boutique hotel that serves a full breakfast. The ever generous LA gave us a fine bottle of Oregon Pinot, which I think I will bring to Mendocino tomorrow. We're going with Unc and his missus and some pals from Marin. LA also gave us an automatic pepper mill that activates when you turn it upside down. I think she realized I was fascinated with it, as I am with many shiny objects.

I'll try not to wait ten days before my next post. My wife would certainly be happy if I found something to occupy myself. There is one thing I'd like to mention before I go. I think it would be best to just be up front and let my readers know that I'm hooked on extreme couponing.

In The News

2011-07-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

J Lo's getting divorced and Kim Kardashian is getting married. Check back in a couple years and it'll be the other way around.

Our politicians are fiddling while the economy burns. Just raise the damn debt ceiling then actually do something of value for the country.

Turning to local news, the San Mateo DA will not file charges "against a Bay Area man accused of refusing to pull up his sagging pants when boarding a U.S. Air flight at San Francisco International Airport. " As part of the deal, he has agreed to watch the YouTube video of General Larry Platt doing "Pants On the Ground" ten times daily for the next month.

I'm going to the DMV next week to get a new pic for my driver's license. I have not aged well and I do not much resemble the visage staring out from my current license. I was in the Portland airport last year and the security guy had to get a second opinion before he let me go through. So I'm finally getting around to addressing that one. I'll also get a CA DMV ID for Sonny Boy 2 while I'm there. This should all be pretty straightforward, at least compared to the trials of this pastafarian.

http://tinyurl.com/6l63rxa

Since I'm one to keep au courant, I'd like to point out that planking is so Q2CY2011. It has been replaced by owling. I think I'll put a pic of me owling on FB, wearing the groovy llama hat I bought in Peru.

In closing, I'd like to point out the obvious. Michelle Bachman is a juggernaut of stupidity.

My Peruvian Adventure

2011-07-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

We recently completed our third international trip with our Foster City friends. In 2003 we went to Italy with The Execs and The #1s and to London, Barcelona and France with the same crew. The Bankers joined us for the Barcelona leg of that trip. Last month we spent close to two weeks in Peru. This time the TCGs joined us. This was the first one without kids, who are now old enough to stay home by themselves.

There were two distinct groups on this trip; The Watchers and Eaters and The Trekkers. My wife and I were part of the former, along with The Exec and Mrs. #1. Their spouses joined The TCGs for a rigorous hike along the Incan trail for several days. I'll leave the The Trek update up to #1. I'll provide commentary on the more lax aspects of the trip.

We all got into Lima late in the evening. The flight went well and all of our baggage arrived with us. We hit the airport ATM for some nuevo soles and then met our driver for the ride to the Radisson Hotel Decapolis Miraflores. The ride and most other aspects of the trip were organized by the #1s. Mrs. #1 is our de facto travel agent. We might not get anywhere without her.

As we boarded the mini-bus, I began my trip long role as the translator. My B.A. in Spanish has come in handy on all these voyages, even when I hesitantly faked it in Italy. Our driver was quite friendly but didn't want to take no for an answer when I told him The Trekkers already had a ride to the airport the next day for their flight to Cusco.

We got settled in and made it to the hotel restaurant right before closing time. I was worried the staff was going to be pissed because they wanted to go home but they were extremely gracious and our trainee waiter spoke English and did an excellent job. All the meals were good and we had a round of Cusqueňa beers. #1 remarked to me that the altitude medication was giving his beer a funny aftertaste. I had the same reaction the next day.

By the time I awoke the following day The Trekkers were gone. The W&Es got a Lima tour from Monica and Nieves. We started at Love Park, where the wife and I did our best version of El Beso statue's embrace. One shot caught The Exec lying in front of us catching a close up shot. Thanks for killing the mood buddy. A budding artist drew a picture of us. Below is a picture of the statue followed by the lifelike drawing I paid two bucks for.

We then headed downtown. We caught some historic sites, a couple churches, and one of the oldest buildings in Lima, which was once its highest, at four stories. At the Plaza de Armas we saw a procession of high school bands march around the square. I also got my picture taken with some rifle toting guards. I don’t think the Guardia Civil would have allowed that when I was back in Madrid in ’80 but I never asked because those guys scared the hell out of me. We had a great lunch at the nearby Los Escribanos then headed to the catacombs. I found them stuffy, creepy and cramped. They brought to mind the line “bone digger, bone digger” from Paul Simon’s song “You Can Call Me Al”. We were not allowed to take pictures in that building but it was a light day in that regard anyway. The Exec had barely snapped 300 by that point.

That night we headed to Astrid y Gastón, ranked #42 of the world's best , and deservedly so. We all agreed it was one of the best meals we've ever had. The bill, with two bottles of wine, came to $300. The same meal would have been $300 per person in SF. We didn't all get dessert but they served it anyway. It was a knockout punch in the form of a cube, with four drawers holding little bites that we could not finish. If you happen to find yourself in Lima, get there.

http://www.theworlds50best.com/awards/1-50-winners

The next day we flew to Cusco, which has an 11,000 foot elevation. We were briefly reunited with The Trekkers, who were heading out early the next morning to begin their hike. I felt a little light headed at the airport and by mid afternoon I decided to catch a nap. After about four hours flopping around, the group convinced me to give dinner a shot. Chicha is Gastón Acurio's entry in the Cusco restaurant scene but I couldn't tell you much about it. I ordered an "agua con gas" (seltzer) to calm my stomach but after five minutes I realized I was not going to be good company. I caught a cab back to hotel, slept 12 hours, and that was the end of my altitude sickness.

The next day I did some wandering around with The Exec and Mrs. #1. My wife got her version of the altitude sickness so was down for part of the day. We were there the week of Inti Raymi, The Festival of the Sun. We caught the beginning of a parade. The Exec wanted to take some photos of women from a religious society. He wasn't making much progress talking to them in loud Spanish accented English so I stepped in and they granted permission. There were several groups with brightly colored costumes. We saw a stick structure which I thought possibly was symbolic of a jail, at least until the thing started blowing up. Oh, that's where they put the fireworks. I was about 10 feet away when it went off so I caught a tiny projectile in the chin. Don't worry folks, no damage to my mug. Our visit to Cusco’s Plaza de Armas was chaotic that day, with dozens in costumes, several huge floats, and a guy on stilts navigating the cobblestones.

The four of us made several other excursions, including the San Blas neighborhood and Sacsayhuamán. At San Blas, which is known for its artisans and workshops, the ladies shopped while The Exec and I hung with the freaks, some Americanos and some locals. We exchanged emails addresses and promised to write. There was also a VW bus with a sign announcing that you could get info. Here was the info I sought: What the hell are you doing parked in this narrow alleyway, hippie chick?

When we tired of the activities, the four of us would get into a tiny cab. Fortunately they let me have the front seat. The fare usually ranged from $1 to $1.50. I’d usually double it with the tip. I'm not a big spender but the low cost was surprising. On our trip to Sacsayhuamán, an Incan ruin, we engaged a driver to take us there and back, with a 45 minute wait in between. The total cost of that was $7. On all these taxi rides, upon our return to the hotel, getting out of the cab was akin to re-enacting our birth.

In Cusco, we were stayed at Los Niňos, which has a fantastic back story. A Dutch woman started it years back and plows all profits into helping orphans, feeding 300 a day. The staff and food were great. We spent a lot of time in the sunny courtyard.

http://www.ninoshotel.com/en/index.html

We did see a few things that were not so pretty. The lady copping a squat on the street corner to take a leak took me aback. And a drunken youth told wife she had a "nice ass". This put me in a quandary. Should I slug him, thank him, or compliment him on his perspicacity?

Our new friend Freddie gave us a ride from Cusco to Ollantaytambo. I bought a cool knit hat with llamas from a woman at a roadside stand along the way. We passed through towns such as Chinchero and Urubamba along the way. It was in Urubamba that I first saw the “mini-cabs”, which were motorcycles converted into three wheel taxis that two people could sit in the back of. The Exec took a couple rides in them in Ollantaytambo because he got gimped up, but I stayed the hell out of those things.

We had a good stay in Ollantaytambo. At first, the hotel clerk had me doubting my Spanish language abilities with his long, blank stares. We quickly determined it was him and not me. The wife and I climbed the 200 steps of the ruins. Our traveling companions had a bit of a tougher stay, Mrs. #1 with tummy issues and The Exec with his bad back. At one point I gave him a quick massage, which has been the cause of a recurring nightmare ever since.

We had some good meals there but never did make it to The Blue Puppy, which proudly advertised that they served “typical food”. The Exec had a chance to speak to the young American manager there and discovered that he is a student at my alma mater, Binghamton University, although I still call it by its proper name, SUNY Binghamton.

We then took a very scenic slow train ride to Aguas Calientes, our jumping off point to Machu Picchu. We stayed at a very high end place, The Inkaterra Hotel. A lot of the places we stayed at ran between $50 and $100 per night but this was $350 per person per night. Fortunately it was only night. As I often tell my kids, I’m not made of money. This is where we reunited with The Trekkers. They were on a high and appropriately proud of their achievement. I listened to their stories. I was quite proud of all the watching and eating I did but did not feel the need to rain on their parade.

Machu Picchu was an amazing place. Our tour guide explained the history in great detail. The workmanship required to build it with the tools available centuries ago is mind boggling. I was able to do a lot of climbing and didn’t come up lame until the end of the trip.

We then embarked on the last leg of the trip. We took the train back to Ollantaytambo and were met by Freddie, who brought us to Huasao. We stayed at Los Niňos Hacienda, which was the perfect place to relax before our trip home. We all rested up so we could help The Exec through the airports on the way home.

LOA

2011-06-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

I see Weiner wants to take a leave of absence to get professional treatment. Do they have facilities where they can ween you from the need to take and send pictures of your junk?

Speaking of LOAs, I'm planning to take a brief one. I just want my readership to be aware that I probably won't be posting anything until early July. I know it will be difficult, but I'm confident that you'll be able to muddle through.

Here's another pic of Gaga Lady to pump up the hit count.

Gimcracks

2011-06-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

I got a slew of hits due to that Lady Gaga pic. I don't know whether to be pissed or post another one to get my hit count up.

I went to a Samsung Galaxy Tab event, aka Nerd Central, in the city Friday night,. One dude was dressed up as a pikachu. I kid you not. What's a pikachu? Here you go. Maybe it'll help my hit count.

They were giving away phones and Tabs, Samsung's version of the iPad. including the new 10.1. Most of the guys there were besides themselves, given the possibility of winning one. I was there for grins. I guess that's why I won a Tab. My kids were real nice to me when I got home. I should put it on eBay.

Staying with the technology theme, you hear a lot about the cloud these days. Since I'm an avid ~~gambler~~ investor, I'm putting my money where my mouth is. I bought some Nimbus and Cumulus call options last week.

This weekend is the Foster City Arts and Wine Festival. I was walking around there in the rain yesterday morning. Good times. I really don't understand the vendors that drag their useless shit from venue to venue. Can you really make a living that way?

We had a meeting recently to discuss our upcoming Peru trip. I realize the only reason I was invited was because I can string five or six Spanish words together while gesticulating wildly.

Did you know that Deepak Chopra has produced several albums of music? Who knew? One of his compositions came on the radio a while back. It made me switch the station to Oldies 103.7.

If you are wondering what Rod Blagojevich is up to lately, check this out. My take is that cat needs to fire his lawyer and hire a psychiatrist.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/03/rod-blagojevich-senate-bin-laden_n_870912.html

Graduation

2011-06-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

I'll be heading down to Redwood City later today to see my little girl graduate high school. We had a party for her at my place Monday. If you're reading this and weren't invited, don't blame me. In these matters I just follow orders.

We went hog wild for the party, getting some excellent Mexican chow from La Tapatia. Folks made a pretty good dent in it but we'll be eating chicken fajitas and rice for the rest of the week. All this brings me back to my graduation day, when my old man kicked in a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a box of saltines.

We had a good crowd Monday. Most of the village was here, my sis, all the kid's friends and many of their parents. I was the consummate host as usual. A couple cute three year olds were roaming around too. We watched some Special Agent Oso together. SB1 and his village cohorts have all hit 21 now so they were dipping deep into the Corona well. I told TCG and The Exec's kids to stay out of there. They're only high school seniors. We also got a special visit from my mother-in-law. I keep trying to drive her to the airport but she insists her flight doesn't go out until Thursday morning.

Last night was the baccalaureate mass at NDNU. The wife and I managed to get into an argument as we were driving onto the campus. I apparently didn't steer the car in the right direction. However, my faux pas led us to nabbing a coveted parking spot in a very crowded lot. So there! But I didn't go into blame mode when we discovered she had not brought the required tickets to the event. She then she sprung into action as she is wont to do. She tracked down one of the school administrators, who secured us four tickets. That's one of the many reasons I married her. Why she married me remains a mystery. Maybe because at heart she's an altruist. Back in '85 when we met, I think she viewed me as a rescue.

The mass was a touching event, with a speech by the outgoing campus minister and some recollections from a couple of my daughter's close friends. We didn't attend the reception afterward, which was OK with me and apparently with SB1, after I explained to him that there would be no Jello shots.

Answer the Damn Phone

2011-05-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

Gaga's calling

Standard Crap

2011-05-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

I was swimming at the posh club the other day. An older woman got into the lane next to me. I waited until she took off and then I started my lap. My goal was to beat her to the other side. Almost!

Dr. Joe was in town Monday. We did dinner at Kingfish. I recommend it. During dinner he informed me that Donald Trump had dropped his presidential bid. I was crestfallen. Apparently The Donald said he would have won the nomination and general election. The ego has landed.

I'm sure I've heard this before but I couldn't find anything when I searched The Google. Two words that don't belong together: motor sports

In a zany new episode of Mike and Molly, Wilford Brimley plays the family doctor. He informs them both that they've both been diagnosed with diabeetus.

Mendicancy

2011-05-14T16:07:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen the folks in the Good Humor outfits asking for change outside CVS lately, which is a good thing. I'm generally supportive of charitable organizations but every time I see those guys, I just want to to say, "Get the F@#$ away from me!" Does that make me a bad person? OK, I'm a bad person.

Pearls

2011-05-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

You guys keeping up with my real writing gig? There's some great stuff in there!

I started live blogging a conference call today but I fell asleep.

Sonny Boy 1 is coming home Thursday. We have a steak dinner planned. That's the only decent meal he's getting all summer. I asked him what his favorite vegetable was. He said green beans. I told him I'd get some broccoli. He walked right into that one

Did you guys enjoy Mother's Day? Me neither. TCG, The Exec, #1 and I are getting ripped off big time this year. We'll be in Peru for Father's Day. I'm telling my wife she needs to pick a date when we return that will be the substitute. She can wait on me hand and foot then.

Did anybody see this article?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/as_india_termites

That's good eatin'!

First Katie Couric leaves CBS. Letterman said she may have been involved with dog fighting. Now Meredith Vieira is leaving Today. I sad.

I'll be releasing my long form birth certificate next week.

54

2011-05-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

I got many birthday wishes today. thank you very much, but the most touching ones were from Putnam Auto, where I purchased my treasured Volvo, and Oldies 103.7

As I begin writing, its Sunday morning. The rest of the family is asleep. I'm supposed to be working on my resume. That's why I'm writing this blog post.

My wife's birthday is tomorrow. I'm ahead of the curve and have already gotten her present. We had a nice dinner last night with friends at Piperade in SF. It's on the Chron Top 100 list. I was not impressed with my veal stew, perhaps because I make one hell of a veal stew, for which you can find the recipe below. However, I still recommend Piperade. Dr. Joe and I went there some time back and had a fine meal. One mediocre dish has not put me off to the place.

http://tinyurl.com/3qjrsro

We celebrated my sister's birthday last weekend. We had drinks and appetizers at one of her favorite spots, Wood Tavern in Oaktown. It's a class joint with a class clientele, except when I'm there. I spent quite bit of the time having an investment discussion with a friend. I explained my strategy which, as when I go to Vegas, is to go with my gut feel, close my eyes, and hope for the best. The rest of the folks seemed to be enjoying themselves, sipping Corpse Revivors and Sidecars. I stuck with a Belgian brew. We then headed back to the kid's house, where we chowed down on a primo lasagne prepared by LA. My brother disappeared into the other room for quite a while. This was OK with me because I really didn't feel like talking to him. In the meantime, I introduced another friend to the Vesper, #1's #1 drink. It was well received. After hugs all around, we headed home.

This Friday I caught a baseball game at Serra, where TCG's son plays for the varsity team. For the unaware, Serra baseball has produced some pretty good players, Barry Bonds among them. Although my son went there for four years, this was the first time I had been at their baseball field. Serra pulled out a late inning victory. After that, wifey and I decided to have a pre-birthday bite at Kingfish in San Mateo. We had drinks, oysters, calamari and their shrimp and crab sandwich. Four thumbs up.

Tonight my wife is planning to make me a birthday dinner. I'll believe it when I see it.

Will and Kate

2011-04-30T07:47:00.000-07:00

I did not make the cut for the royal wedding guest list but I was content to catch all the action on the telly. I just set the away message on my work email to alert folks that I was immersed in the coverage, set the DVR, and got up at 1am to put my morning suit on.

I'm sure all of you caught the action as well. I don't want to say that the media gave it short shrift, but I found myself wanting more detail. In any case, I do have a bit of a scoop. The picture below is of British socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. It is a little known fact that her hat doubles as a propeller, and allowed her to transport herself to the wedding, avoiding street traffic.

Sorry, I Was On Mute

2011-04-22T17:47:00.001-07:00

Have you ever sat on a stultifying conference call and wondered how you could creatively use your time, other than catching up with email or working on a spreadsheet? I think I have the solution. You can liveblog the call, providing your real thoughts about the meaninglessness of it all. Ah, forget it, you might get shitcanned.

I was watching CNN a few weeks back. They had on Bethenny Frankel, alleged celebrity and self-described obsessive dieter, to discuss her Skinny Girl cocktail line. I was happy to hear her say that her product fits into her ideals. They then segued to the strife in Libya. I think CNN stands for Comically Nonsensical Network.

I had an interview recently with the Social Security Administration because my younger son just turned 18 and is now eligible for benefits. They posed a few interesting questions. "Does he have any mineral rights?" I said, "Hell yeah, he's been gouging that rich vein for years". Then they asked, "Does he have any income from the Bureau of Indian Affairs?" I said no but told them I'd be open to getting some. "How about pre-paid burial plots?" Holy shit people, how far ahead do you think I plan?

Hey, shouldn't fat free half and half be an impossibility?

Moldy Oldie

2011-04-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

On my 3/28 post I was badmouthing 103.7 The Band. I guess I'll have to badmouth Oldies 103.7 going forward as they've changed their format as of 4/8. I was ahead of the curve on that one. I guess that makes me prescient.

http://tinyurl.com/3jotowf

#1 noticed that my real writing gig was not available Monday. I owe him a hug. It turns out my editor was off Monday and the chucklehead filling in for her failed to recognize the importance of getting my royal wedding edition out to my public. So it will be available this coming Monday.

The Chron's Top 100 restaurants came out recently. I'll be heading to one, Piperade, at the end of the month. The print version had a picture of a shaved radish salad at Commonwealth that mentioned their "unique serving plates". This particular salad looks like it was sitting atop of a chunk of the sidewalk out front of my ancestral home in upstate NY. You can find a not very good version of that picture here.

http://tinyurl.com/3prnkgw

I'm Writing, I'm Writing Again

2011-04-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting my blog so its time to crank out a decent post. I've wrapped this week's real gig column and actually have next week's about 75% complete. I'm going to take some of the crap I throw up here and use it to finish that one off. Regarding my real gig, my bro thinks that I don't let my cynical side show enough. In his wisdom, he advised: "Let DJ be DJ". I agree but I have concerns that my suburban readership may not fully appreciate the snarkmaster that is DJ.

I had mentioned in my column that I've been a bit under the weather, which allowed me to avoid one dull night with the numbers, TCG, and The Exec. Since I'm well again, I could not use that excuse to get out of dinner at #1's house Friday. However, he served some primo tri-tip and I was able to put my abstemious ways of the past couple weeks behind me with a couple finely crafted Vespers. In the spirit of village togetherness, the wife and I went to a tomato plant sale up at CSM, followed by a farmer's market visit, Saturday morning with #1 and spouse. I can imagine their conversation after they dropped us off at home, something along the lines of "I am really tired of those people".

Yes, it's been a busy weekend. I took SB2 for a swim yesterday afternoon. I saw him drifting towards a 12 year old kid a few times. The Jaws theme faintly started playing again but he then changed course. I'm sure the kid could have handled himself. It's the unsuspecting guppies I worry about. The rest of the day was rounded off with some Final Four hoops. I'm rooting for Butler tomorrow. Interestingly, their coach is exactly half the age of UConn's, 34 vs. 68.

Today started off with a trip to Costco. I hate Costco. But I got there before the opening bell and was only going to the tire center. They had three Bridgestones left and I needed four but they honored my coupon with Michelins. Doesn't that make your day?! Since they had just opened, I saw the clerk turn on the TV. I thought maybe we'd be treated to a televangelist or Meet The Press. That was not to be as the TV was apparently tuned to The Tire Channel. As I left, I encountered a middle-aged couple walking to their car. The lady's hair was an interesting shade of red. I felt like telling her that that is not a color normally found in nature, but then I didn't want her husband taking a poke at me.

Charlie Sheen's first live show last night bombed. Who's surprised?

Turn up Your Radio

2011-03-28T20:00:00.001-07:00

So we can get down to what's really wrong. For the uninitiated, that's Van The Man. And yes, we're going to talk about my radio experience of late, which has not been top of the pops. One of my two alternative pre-sets went belly up a few weeks back. It converted to a Chinese language station. That wasn't working for me so I had to make some changes.

Coming home today, I had it on 103.7 The Band for most of the ride. Don't ask me why. The button wasn't stuck or anything. They are rapidly becoming the new KFRC. I caught an awful Billy Joel hit, Scott McKenzie's one song, Lyin' Eyes, Joy To The World, and Saturday In the Park. Now don't get me wrong, I like me some Billy Joel now and then. You got it, the early stuff. I sung along with The Eagles: "Ain't no way to hide your mayonnaise". And Chicago got me thinking, exactly when did they jump the shark? I'm pretty sure it was not long after that hit. On the bright side, The Band payed one of my faves this morning, Build Me Up Buttercup, by The Foundations. And they seem to be playing less Boston, which is a major plus.

All music, all the time. The wife and I caught Rock Of Ages at the Curran yesterday. We both enjoyed it but were wondering where all the geezers came from. I mean real geezers. I figured the oldest folks in the audience might be 10 years older than me. But I'm sure I saw at least 30 septuagenarians there. We did go to the matinee but hey, what were they doing at any of the shows? I got no problem with it, but I was surprised. I saw a couple dudes putting in earplugs. I'll do that for a big concert, but I don't go to those anymore. The Exec went to see The Police on their last tour and he hasn't been the same since. During yesterday's show, one of the olds a couple rows up ripped a good fart. I thought maybe I was hearing things but then one lady looked at her hubby with a minor smirk. Yeah, they farted. TMI folks?

Also on the ride home today, I came across a boatload of sheep grazing off of 237. I mentioned this in my 5/16/09 post I understand this is an environmentally friendly way to mow the lawn. I thought I may have seen a goat out there too but I'm not sure. But plenty of sheep. I remember telling #1 about this some time back. He asked me if I was sure they weren't goats. Listen, I can tell the difference between a sheep and a goat. I can also tell the difference between a bunny and a puppy, you SOB!

That's A Wrap

2011-03-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

I just finished up my weekly column so I'm going to throw some stuff up here to hit the SLA. I was thinking about bagging said SLA but I'll hang in for the time being.

The mystery of my Kew Gardens reader is solved. It's the Phoenix Flyboy, who maintains a crash pad there along with many of his Delta colleagues. He's also responsible for some of the international hits I occasionally get. DJ's Detritus thanks you, Phoenix Flyboy.

March Madness is in full bloom. The Michigan/Duke game is on in a couple hours and both The Wolv and I are hoping Duke, or The Dukey Boys as he calls them, will be eliminated.

Currently in the village pool, #2 is #1 and #1 is #2. I like the symmetry of that, but then I'm easily amused. Wifey currently occupies the #3 spot, but she picked Pitt to take it all, so she's toast. The only people I'm ahead of are those that didn't fill the form out properly and thus have 0 points. I'm at the end of the bench, just like my high school hoops career.

Regarding the work pool, which involves cash, I'm faring better but still have no chance. However, I'm proud to state that SB1 is in the lead there and currently holds the highest possible point total . In a nod to his old man, he named his bracket "the billionth bracket". That's my boy!

I realize that Valentine's Day is a month behind us but I wanted to share a sweet story. My wife bought me a very romantic gift and I've been a bit choked up since then, and only now can I bring it up without misting up. Along with a touching card, she gave me a rice cooker.

Up On The Roof

2011-03-10T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today was just a normal day at my house. I was on my roof, sipping tiger blood and waving my machete. Then something strange happened. I found out they were coming out with a Mark Zuckerberg action figure. I wonder if it leverages synergies and provides thought leadership. Regardless, I felt vindicated. My friends thought I was a weird little kid when I told them I wished I could get a Lee Iaccoca action figure.

Guess what? I have a reader in Kew Gardens. I'm intrigued. So I've set up a new email address so you can send me a note and tell me how much you love my blog. Its gotta be somebody I know since they've been here more than once.

The rest of you bums can send me a note at this address as well.

djsdetritus@gmail.com

Ciao

25K

2011-02-28T18:03:00.000-08:00

I surpassed the 25,000 hit mark yesterday. A major milestone in what can aptly be described as a one of the finest blogs from Foster City's neighborhood #2.

OK, so I'm slugging out lately. I missed the revised SLA. Maybe if you people sent me $50 a week like my real gig, I'd produce. I think that comes out to $5 per reader. You know where I live.

So I'm always on the prowl for a new dining sensation in our lovely corner of suburbia. I got handed a menu in the Safeway parking lot last week for Richy Fusion. This place is just a stone's throw from my abode. It's my understanding that it is owned and operated by Richy and his publicity shy brother, Eddie Fusion. Their menu claims they have the best prime rib in Foster City. Since they have the only prime rib in Foster City, that's tough to dispute. The last occupant of that space, 88 Pho Cafe, lasted about five minutes. I hope the Fusion brothers have more success.

Charlie Sheen is "tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not [expletive] a total frickin' rock star from Mars." Me too damn it!

Oaktown

2011-02-17T17:58:00.000-08:00

We crossed the bay Saturday for some socializing. Our first stop was the home of our first au pair. She came to us as 19 year old back in '95 and she now has a family of her own, including a great husband, one of the cutest three year olds I've ever met, and bambino #2 due next month. We took in their gorgeous view as wifey chatted them up and I read Mr. Noisy to the boy. On a side note, Mr. Noisy is the sixteenth book in the Mr. Men series, according to Wikipedia. I get the feeling I'm going to be a good grandpa, even though I expect that is a decade or so away. Say hey to Gampy DJ.

We then went to the house of my sister and her partner LA. We were spending the night and they always provide us a luxurious hotel like experience. I walked in with my CPAP and introduced myself as DJ and The Machine. We were heading out to Plum in uptown Oakland. It turns out my sister also invited my brother. I was a little pissed and I'll tell you why.

Although I've often discussed our brotherly bond, but in actuality there's been a long standing rift. You see, my brother is a tiger brother. As far back as our early days in Western PA, he insisted I spend two hours a day on penny whistle practice. After that, I'd say let's go out back and have an apple fight. But no, that was not in the plans. Next was math and vocabulary flashcards. I was really overjoyed when he joined the Navy.

But I don't want to dwell on the negative. We headed out to the restaurant. which was dimly lit and minimalist. LA referred to it as precious, which was spot on. We went with the prix fixe and became a little concerned when our first course arrived. It was a couple thimbles full of beets topped with beet puree. An alarm went off in my head. Burger! Burger! Burger! But as it turns out, our fears were unfounded. Although the portions were small, they were tasty and there were enough of them for a good meal.

We had some lively dinner conversation. Sis told me of her adventures on the hard court. She still runs full court hoops, with dudes no less. I guess my remark about her being an ex-jock was premature. She's a studette. The women are the best athletes in my family. I'd like to be out there taking her to the hoop but those days are far behind me. My brother reminded me that when he took me to a Stanford neurosurgeon back in '98, I asked the guy if I'd be able to play b-ball again. If he had to be blunt, he could have said, "No pal, but you'll be able to walk into the gym to watch your daughter play." I'm glad to be able to do that these days.

I'm Sold

2011-02-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

After seeing Eminem's Super Bowl commercial, I ran out and bought a Chrysler. My next move is to rent an apartment in Detroit. I don't want to be rash and buy a house just yet.

So I spent the big day with the work dudes, losing money at poker. But I got a bunch of free chow, including wonton wrapped shrimp, wrapped in bacon and deep fried. This fits perfectly into my new diet, which has allowed me to lose 10 pounds since the New Year. I used to be svelte. Now I'm ripped.

I also took 2nd place in the pool, which I won last year, so that made up for my losses in Midnight Baseball etc. I won one hand with a pair, but I had declared I had two pair. And I was only on my second beer. Those guys won't be letting me live that down any time soon.

The game was good and the halftime entertainment was even better. I'm glad they finally turned the page on those geezer bands like The Stones and The Who. Will. I. Am's auto-tuned crooning combined with Fergie wailing that classic Sweet Child O' Mine was unbeatable.

The pre-Super Bowl party was my daughter's hoops game Saturday night. This was the annual Catfight, Tigers vs. Panthers. #1 and his missus joined us for a barn burner. We had lost by 26 at their court earlier this year but, in what I felt was their best game of the year, they were neck and neck with the Panthers all the way to the end. The kid got 17 points. After the game, she thanked me for passing on the hoop gene.

During the game, #1 told me about a TV series called The League. He says it reminds him of our FC crew, always busting each others chops. He sent a note out to the boys to let them know about it. TCG responded that he plans to Tivo it. We had a nice email exchange about that. I'm always interested in hearing what TCG plans to Tivo

I recently become reacquainted with my college roomie. He found me on Facebook. I gotta get off that thing before anybody else hunts me down. In any case, he reminded me of the shit pit we lived in on Vestal Ave. back in Binghamton. I think we dragged our feet and ending up taking the only rental left in the city. While most students were luxuriating in cheap, stodgy apartments, we occupied a building that should have been condemned. In retrospect, I'm probably responsible for that. I was the only one that was spending quality and quantity time in The Parlor City that summer of '79. I was probably hugging a six pack of Molson when I should have been house hunting. In any case, that semester was cut short. I had to drop out due to ~~rehab~~ a severe case of eczematous dermatitis, which was exacerbated by shitpititis.

Haircut 100, Billboard 200, Post 300

2011-01-29T12:35:00.000-08:00

That's correct, this is my 300th post. In celebration of that milestone, many people have the day off today. But I'm not here just to gloat about my prolificacy. I'm here to gloat about the fact that I am on the verge of 25,000 hits. With that kind of track record in under a five year span, there's only one word that comes to mind: MONETIZE.

I'd also like to discuss Sonny Boy 2's nocturnal wanderings. He often bursts into our room in the middle of the night, in nothing but a t-shirt. We take him to the bathroom, put his clothes back on, and put him back to bed. That's usually the extent of it. But this past Thursday night/Friday morning, he had other ideas. I had gotten up with him twice already and the third time was the charm. As I went to get him back in bed, I couldn't find his diaper and pajama bottoms. Now if SB2 could talk, he would have said, "Oh Dad, they're out in the kitchen. And by the way, I decided to piss all over the floor while I was out there." So after I mopped that up, I put him back in the sack. A short while later, he popped up again. That's when I told my wife it was her turn.

It's a good thing the SLA got extended. My old pal JB is back on the email machine after an extended absence. I'll have to devote a significant amount of time responding to her 20 daily emails.

Why am I wasting time writing this crap when I have a deadline looming with my paid writing gig?

Old Habits Die Hard

2011-01-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

Although the Detritus Board met recently and granted me the 10 day SLA, I still feel as though I should have posted by yesterday. I guess that is but one of the many things that makes me a solid citizen. Speaking of the DB, I had a lengthy email exchange with them today. There's no other way to put it. Those guys are schmucks.

I stopped by The UK's place yesterday to pick up one of his Macs. I was a little apprehensive because his neighborhood is dicey. Since The UK lives up to his name, the schools my wife works at have now received four computers due to his generosity. The UK and I went up to one of them to read to the classes last year. We covered passages of Hop on Pop, Green Eggs and Ham, and War and Peace.

I got a cryptic email from The Wig yesterday, about awaiting a rebuttal, but he didn't say anything else. Nor did he leave a comment here or at my other writing gig. However this is far from the first time I've not known what the hell he was talking about. I called him a couple times today but he's screening my calls.

Serious Business

2011-01-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

I wanted to let everyone know that I will soon be calling a meeting of the board of directors of this blog. The main topic will be possible relief on the SLA. I plan to ask for an extension from 7 to 10 days. I'm confident this will be granted, as the chairman of the bored, #1, explained to me today that no one reads this anyway. The reason is that, due to my overwhelming popularity, my other writing gig has asked me to write my column weekly, as opposed to every other week. I simply cannot let down that fan base. You can infer from that where you clowns stand.

Regarding my last post, I want to make clear that I have no intention of giving my wonderful sister short shrift. While my brother and I get along famously, almost as well as Oasis' Gallagher brothers, my little sis holds a special place in my heart. She's responsible for the last migration of my nuclear family to California. Once she hit SF, my parents pulled up stakes and followed shortly thereafter. Who the hell wants to slosh through sleet and dirty snow as they approach their 70s anyway, except ski freaks like The UK.

Little sis is a good looking 40 something former jock that has always been very generous with family. If the kids have a school fund raiser, she's first on the call list. Before SB1 headed off for his freshman year of college, she came by and slipped him a wad of cash. This munificent gesture was in no way diminished by the fact that I told the kid to hand it over as soon as she left.

Fratelli

2011-01-11T17:40:00.000-08:00

I got a comment on my last post but it wasn't what I expected. I thought someone was going to tell me how lame it was. I was willing to accept that since I was in desperate straits, a few hours short of missing the SLA. But at times I do feel the need to keep my readership apprised of what is going on in the celebrity world. In fact, Taylor and Jake are no more but it looks like Sandra and Ryan are an item. I can never figure out how two pretty people with all the dough and none of the cares in the world can't make it work. Back in the mid 80s, my wife and I made it happen, and my most valuable asset at that time was a Muni fast pass. She knew a winner when she saw one.

So the recent comment, from an anonymous source, told me to write more about my brother. I do have a few things to say about my ageless role model. I've already mentioned some shared experiences, like bathing together as children, him inducing me to create havoc by kicking over a lamp, and the boxing gloves episode. But I hold no grudges. We stuck together through the years. He followed me to Binghamton and I followed him to San Francisco. He's a great brother and I will continue to think that until I have some more recovered memories. I'd also like to mention that he is one of the finest legal minds on his block.

Did anybody else mist up watching the new Speaker of the House being sworn in? I mean besides me an Boehner. I got emotional because of how far this country has come. After all, he is our first orange Speaker of the House. You can thank Letterman's writers for that one.

One of my pet peeves is people saying stupid shit and instead of saying "I said something stupid and I apologize", they dress it up and say they "misspoke". Merriam-Webster is telling me the first instance of the term "misspeak" is from the 14th century. I'm not buying it and will do extensive research on my own, perhaps in 2012. A recent instance of this is Tucker Carlson saying he "overspoke" when he said Michael Vick should have been executed for his crimes. Overspoke? I can't find that one in Websters. Here's another example, straight from Jason Linkin's Sunday chat show liveblog:

"Here's Darrel Issa, to Face this Nation. Smith brings up the time he told Rush Limbaugh that Obama was one of the "most corrupt administrations" in history, and Issa immediately says, "But I walked that back!" And that is where we are today, in 2011: we are no longer responsible for our words, as long as we can point to a time where we "walked it back." You know, someone should really hit Darrel Issa across the face with a burlap sack of used heroin needles. I really believe that, enough to say publicly! BUT NOW I AM GOING TO WALK THAT BACK: Darrel Issa is awesome!"

In TV news, Sarah Palin's Alaska is not coming back but Mad Men is. Things are looking up.

Dash

2011-01-05T15:58:00.000-08:00

I caught two items about Kim Kardashian in the news recently. The first one was that she is now sporting cornrows. I care deeply about that but I sense that most Americans don't. Kim has also released her first single. Remember the days when you needed to have a voice to be able to do that. Granted, it was a long time ago, before Sonny and Cher. These news flashes lead me to believe that, although the country is struggling with unemployment, there is overemployment in the entertainment media field.

DJ's New Year's Rockin' Eve

2010-12-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a brisk outdoor swim at the posh club, where I battled the elements and came out on top. I'm loaded for bear and ready to deliver one of the finest blog posts of the last week.

I hope you all had an excellent Festivus. Since we are a multi-culturally oriented household, we celebrated Christmas as well. We had a few families from the village over and we'll also be spending New Year's Eve in the warm glow of village amity. I gotta make some new friends.

Christmas was quite a feast. We started off with cocktails, including Vespers and martinis made with the designer gin I gave my wife as a present this year. Dinner was an excellent ham from Draeger's, with some killer sides contributed by the "extended team". The wife went to try to get a ham Thursday from Whole Foods, but they were all out. The butcher said that "mom and pop store" in San Mateo might have some. He meant Draeger's. Well, I guess if he's referring to the blue blood mummys and daddys of Hillsborough, that might be an apt description.

We all got our fill, especially of the desserts. The Hotelier's family went bonkers and brought enough sweets for my entire neighborhood. And they were damn good. The only thing I didn't try was the huge yule log cake that is now taking up an entire shelf in my garage freezer. I wanted to have some but the dietary advice my mother gave me decades ago has stuck with me. She told me, "DJ, never eat anything bigger than your head".

I'm off work this week so we're spending a lot of family time together. SB1 is logging a few hours doing aftercare at the club but this has not prevented him from him from jacking up my grocery bill. We all went to Costco yesterday but left him home or I would have had to write a check from the home equity line. We did pick up some NY strips which we'll save for his send off dinner. The girl has a tournament this week. They beat Castro Valley in a squeaker last night and we're heading back tonight for more. She had a hell of a game. She was the team's top scorer and made one spin move that hasn't been seen since I roamed the courts.

I could get some more yardage out of the Costco visit but I think I'll save that for my other writing gig. As you are aware, I tend to recycle blog material for those efforts. That will continue unabated. I expect my next column to be 50% blog material. Its the environmentally correct thing to do.

I got an email - I should say philippic - from my good pal The Wig after my last post. To depersonalize it even more, he sent it to my work email address. It looks like we are going to have to start working harder on our relationship. Little does he know, at least until he reads this, that an orange is on the way. That's correct, singular. It probably should have been there by now but they've had terrible weather conditions on the East coast. That's my story.

Happy New Year to all my peeps.

Merry Merry

2010-12-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

The smile, or smirk, may have faded from your face since reading my annual Christmas letter, so it's time to give you more fodder and hit the SLA. I did get a little input on my holiday missive from The Wig. I can almost envision him now, in a pensive mood, asking himself, "Where the hell are the blood oranges?"

Sonny Boy One arrived from DC this week. We arm wrestled in a Festivus feats of strength event yesterday. I lost. The girl got back from a Fort Bragg tournament around the same time. They lost the final game after stomping the competition in the first two. Nonetheless, I expect perfection. She's getting a lump of coal.

I spent most of this past week in Palm Desert with the in-laws. Does that sound appealing? You've seen the movies of people stuck in the desert, desperate for water, seeing mirages, swimming in the sand. Yeah, add in-laws to that. That was my holiday vacation.

We actually had a very good time and are grateful to my mother-in-law for hooking us up at her Marriott timeshare. My wife did a lot of shopping and I did a lot of lying around. I had a chance to make my first foray into SteinMart. I've seen the commercials but have never been to one. I renamed it ShitMart.

The drives to and from were pretty uneventful. I did see a tractor trailer with a large sign, "Trucking for Jesus". Try as I might, I can't come up with a good line for that one so I'm just reporting the event. We caught a bit of rain on the way down but were lucky to avoid the heavy rainfall before returning. It rained quite a bit during our stay but the sun greeted us as we were packing the car to leave. Timing is everything.

Merry Christmas to all

Drug Store Blogger

2010-12-17T20:24:00.000-08:00

I was at my local pharmacy today picking up my prescription. They have a placard with five slots, three of which contain pictures. The title is "Pharmacists Who Care". That led me to conclude that the rest of the pharmacists that work there don't care.

Waste Not

2010-12-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

It's a new era in waste management in Foster City. I got up-to-date recycling bins this week. We no longer have to separate the recycling into paper, plastic and glass. It is now "single stream". I noticed that 4M has had this for a while in San Jose so I guess we on The Peninsula are just a skosh behind The Valley in these matters.

The wife and I went to a woman's basketball game at SF State last week to watch them take on UCSD. It was close for a while but UCSD went up by 20 at one point and took it 66-52. I felt bad for the SFSU cheerleaders. I thought they usually traveled in packs of ten or more but this crew was a few shy. They were peppy enough but their exhortations fell on deaf ears. I looked back at the crowd a few times and they were unmoved, staring blankly ahead during their routines.

The big news in my life recently is that I bought a new pair of shoes. They are both stylish and supportive of my rapidly aging body. I wore them for about a week with no problem but then at work this week they became quite uncomfortable. What the hell is going on? Is it time to trim the toenails again? After breakfast I took them off to find a sock stuffed in each one from the previous day's gym visit. Getting dressed at 6am has its downside.

I was at the farmer's market this morning and a guy stopped me and told me I looked like Bruce Bochy, SF Giants manager. I don't happen to agree with him but I didn't want to burst his bubble so we exchanged pleasantries and then I bought some artichokes. I'm going to take Sonny Boy Two for a swim this afternoon then I'm heading to a Holiday Champagne Soiree tonight. I lead a glamorous life.

Duty Bound

2010-12-04T13:12:00.000-08:00

Yes folks, it's that time again. I don't have much to say but I gotta say something. I cannot disappoint my loyal readership, especially my good friend #1, whom I occasionally refer to as Cruel Overlord and Keeper of the SLA.

I'm a proud daddy these days. As most of you know, the girl is going to play hoops for UCSD next year. Probably only my European reader and JB have not gotten the news. JB and I are in one of our periodic lack of communication modes. These can last for years and then we pick up where we left off, emailing ten times a day or so.

As far as my kids, two of the three will have competed in college athletics. This should come as no surprise. They are the progeny of a one time third string high school JV basketball player.

I Like Pie

2010-11-27T11:28:00.000-08:00

We had a great Thanksgiving dinner at #1's house. Good friends are one of the many things I'm thankful for.

Sonny Boy Two had his favorite dinner for Thanksgiving: taquitos. It's a little known fact that they were a side dish at the first Thanksgiving dinner. He also enjoyed some pie. As everyone else was gabbing and eating in the dining room, he ambled into the kitchen and ate the entire top of the apple pie my daughter made. As my pal 4M said, he's a crust man. We had about half a pie left, sans crust, so we brought it home. It was well covered and sitting on top of the refrigerator yesterday when SB2 decided he was hungry again. He grabbed it and ate it all in front of the TV in the family room. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Chill Factor

2010-11-25T09:08:00.000-08:00

As stated previously in this chrestomathy, I'm a weather wimp. We've had quite a cold snap the last few days. For my East coast readers, and that one in Sweden, I'll get no sympathy, but since 70% of my readership is CA based, I don't care. That breaks down to 7 readers here and 3 elsewhere.

This is flu season but I've failed to get my flu shot yet. I'll have to make sure I address that soon. I have taken measures though. I've just installed wall mounted hand sanitizer dispensers in each room of my house, and one in the hallway.

Happy Thanksgiving to all. We're heading over to #1's house this afternoon to celebrate. I'd hope to mine that experience for some material, but quite frankly I'm not hopeful. #1 is a hell of nice guy, but not exactly Mr. Excitement, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

Strike?

2010-11-20T08:07:00.000-08:00

Did you slugs pony up? Don't piss me off. I might go on strike.

I made a turkey meatloaf a few weeks ago. It didn't turn out so well. It may have been overcooked as it came out a little dry. We still have some left. As the rainy season is approaching, I placed it under the house to act as a desiccant.

Speaking of turkey, Thanksgiving is almost upon us. Several times in the past I've taken the prior Monday through Wednesday off but I'll be heading into the office this week. I asked 4M, The UK and TK if we were going to do our traditional Sunday to Tuesday Vegas trip this year but they took a pass. Here's the part where I'd call them slugs but I already used that term in my opening line.

We'll be spending Thanksgiving with friends. Sonny Boy 1 will not be coming home for the holiday but has buddies back there in DC and may also spend the holiday with my in-laws. Better him than me. I love the kid but I'm not springing for airfare just to see him for a couple days.

I watched Letterman before writing this. You'd be wise to do the same instead of reading this drivel. He said if you are not already in the airport security line for your Thanksgiving trip, then you should forget about it. He also mentioned that during Orville Redenbacher's cremation, he popped.

Time For School

2010-11-14T10:08:00.001-08:00

Most of my readers are rich. if for no other reason than they have a somewhat stable and relatively positive relationship with me. You slackers have been getting access to this blog free of charge for close to five years and now its time to pay up. Also, knowing you as I do, you're probably looking for some end of year tax dodge.

I just got a note from a great school named after one of my high school teachers. Another of my favorite teachers sits on the board. If you are looking for a worthy cause for your charitable donations, this is it. I ponied up and so should you. Tell them DJ sent you.

Nora Cronin Presentation Academy
120 South St
Newburgh, NY 12550

http://noracroninpresentationacademy.com/index.html

Celeb BS

2010-11-12T06:29:00.000-08:00

Apparently Russell Brand and Rod Stewart had a bit of row a few years ago about Brand's claim that he bedded Stewart's daughter. The mess was reignited recently when Stewart dismissed Brand's claim to have slept with 90 women in one month. I really hate it when two famous Lotharios can't get along.

Stewart's eighth child is on the way. He's stated it will be hist last. That kind of talk is a bit premature, don't you think Rod? As far as the Brand/Perry marriage, I just don't see it ending well. I'm giving it less than three years.

On a brighter note, the McRib is back.

Oooh Dreamweaver

2010-11-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

In retrospect, that was a lousy song. But that's not today's topic

Susan Boyle's got nothing on me. I dreamed a dream too, earlier this week. My childhood chum 4M and I were at some resort. We were sleeping with a bunch of other people on the hotel's pool deck because we couldn't get into our rooms until the next day. Then, in the middle of the night, a bunch of stereotypically obnoxious New Yorkers, like some of my college classmates, arrived and started partying loudly on the deck. We complained a little and one guy said "we've been on a flight for 12 hours and we're ready to party". Eloquently put, my man.

So the hotel ended up finding rooms for all the folks on the deck, except me. I tracked down 4M and said "let me stay in your room, you got two beds right?". He said "no, only one bed". I said "I'll sleep on the floor, I promise I'll bring my CPAP". He said, "get lost". And that, in microcosm, is an apt description of our forty year acquaintanceship.

To conclude, I spent the rest of the night running around the hotel, with only a towel around my waist, complaining vigorously to any and all staff members.

Seeing Red

2010-11-03T18:52:00.001-07:00

I did my civic duty yesterday and cast my ballot. I picked some winners but the way things turned out nationally, I think we're looking at even worse gridlock, if that's possible. I didn't watch too much coverage but I did see Speaker presumptive John Boehner's speech. I can understand how his emotions got the best of him. He had to miss his regular tanning salon appointment and he was jonesing for a smoke.

Amazin'

2010-11-01T21:32:00.001-07:00

I haven't been this excited about baseball since October 16, 1969, the day the Mets knocked off the mighty Orioles. As soon as the school bell rang at St. Joe's grade school, we made our way across the street to a classmate's house to catch the final inning of game five. Day baseball for the World Series? That's right. It was before the complete corporate co-option of the game, where advertisers call all the shots. After the game ended, my buddy Clark and I hustled home on one of the town's main streets, grinning and waving to all the honking cars.

The Giants took this series in a similar fashion, four games to one, behind a tough young pitching staff and a bunch of non-superstars out in the field. I recently had the front page of my hometown newspaper from the day after the Met's clincher framed. I need to pick up a couple extra copies of the Chron tomorrow.

Congrats to The World Champs!!!!

Mon Dieu

2010-10-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the French were staging violent protests over raising the retirement age from 60 to 62. What a bunch of whiners! I'd be happy as a pig in shit if I could pack it in at 62. Plus they had to cancel Lady Gaga's Paris concerts as a result.

The cops recently found a "drunk, angry and naked" Charlie Sheen in a NYC hotel room. That cat is going to end up on a slab soon.

Sad news from the cephalopod world today. Paul the psychic octopus has breathed his last. His parting words? Giants in six.

Doing The Hip Trip

2010-10-19T17:38:00.000-07:00

I was listening to alternative radio yesterday. Its just something I do once in a while, in an attempt to be hip. The DJ was saying that Stone Temple Pilots, aka STP, were taking a break from their touring schedule. However, I think it was a brief one because it looks like they'll be making their November 1 show at The Warfield. This has got to be great news to those of you still living in 1994.

Speaking of STP - the motor oil additive, not the band - their distinctive oval stickers were popular when I was a youngster. I think I had one on my bike. That's probably because we did not have a car to put it on. Car culture was alive and well in my little town, which made us a family of outcasts, at least until my brother reached the age when he could become the family chauffeur, a mantle I proudly assumed a few years later

I'm thinking about naming my abdominal muscles. I'm open to suggestions.

Lastly, I'd like to make one point crystal clear. I'm not a warlock. I'm you, only better.

Sexy Time?

2010-10-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

Its clear to me now that Billy Ray and his missus have a big ol' pile of grits where their brains should be. Everyone is up in arms over the provocative video Miley Cyrus has just come out with, including the Parents Television Council. Guess who's on the PTC advisory board. That's right, Billy Ray Cyrus

The pain continues. One of my heroes, The Situation, is now off DWTS. He eloquently shared his feelings on the topic, including saying that the judges were "unpositive".

Carl Paladino, NY gubernatorial candidate and, according to Christopher Hitchens, a "provincial thug", was recently campaigning in my old upstate stomping grounds. This is quite a coincidence. Recently I've been going after writing gigs and The Tea Party has taken me on as their new sloganeer. My first effort for them: Bullshit You Can Believe In

TK just sent me the check he owed me for our Tahoe dinner. I dropped it when I was taking it out of the mailbox and the thing bounced onto the roof.

It looks like Minka Kelly is the sexiest woman alive. Who's Minka Kelly?

Deadlines

2010-10-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

I gotta tell you folks. That SLA is a harsh mistress. To be honest, I really haven't had the will to write since David Hasselhoff and Michael Bolton were the first two kicked off Dancing With The Stars.

I heard the news today, oh boy.

"U2 frontman Bono has announced that he is teaming up with designer fashion label Louis Vuitton to launch an African-themed clothing range."

Here's what I have to say. Cut me a slice of that Bono!

I'm going to make a bold prediction. The Niners will win at least one of their next two games.

Go Giants!

The Porches Of Alpine County

2010-10-04T20:12:00.000-07:00

My chemical bromance began Friday afternoon at 3pm when The UK picked up TK and me at 4M's house for a choir boy weekend. We made a Stockton Starbucks stop and a Lockeford liquor load up on our way to the UK's ski cabin in Kirkwood. Once we unpacked we were off to the Kirkwood Inn to kick off a carnivore's delight.

After dinner we camped out on the UK's porch as we had been granted a beautiful fall evening. The four Catholic high school boys of yore discussed topics ranging from 70's era disciplinary tactics to seminary admittance age. We had all dodged that bullet. Other topics came up as well and I had to make a few corrections, such as the fact that Christine O'Donnell was not running for governor of RI. There was also the juxtaposition of the words piranha and pariah. However my attempts to be didactic were frowned upon and I temporarily became a piranha. We all got to bed at a reasonable hour, well before sun up. I was the first to turn in because I could not take one more of 4M's imitations of The Situation.

TK's Diner opened early the next day. Farm fresh eggs from 4M's tenants were featured, along with English muffins and a hearty brew. We followed breakfast with a neighborhood tour on foot and then did some four wheeling to catch the fall colors. After an afternoon nap, we headed to South Lake.

Dinner was at Ciera at the Montbleu Saturday night. 4M picked a fine champagne to start the evening. We each had an appetizer followed by large piece of beef. The waiter was kind enough to snap a couple pics of the event. A cozy booth might have been a better setting for the photo but we did OK. After dinner we caught The Way I See It. A slew of teenagers and ski dudes were out to catch the death defying antics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZDbhH8Cw0o

We headed out late Sunday morning, after watching The UK do an excellent job of cleaning the cabin. We stopped for a burger at Mel's Diner in Jackson, which gave us an opportunity to watch the Niners blow a possible victory. But we listened to the Giants clinching the division crown on the way home. A big thanks to The UK for a great weekend.

Green Eggs and Spam

2010-09-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Well folks, I guess you all heard from me again via my AOL account. I'm confident I have solved the problem now as I engaged the professional services of TCG.

The wife and I had dinner at my sister's house Saturday. As always, it was an excellent spread with primo Pinots from Selyem and Dutton. However, my world was turned upside down when I discovered that my sedate and sober older brother, rapidly approaching his late 50s, was clad in pair of Diesel jeans. What the hell? My brother? He's a sexy beast with a 32" waist, which I attribute to malnutrition.

My bathroom re-model is complete. We have a new Toto toilet with the soft close lid . I checked to see if Toto had a model with a blow out preventer but no such luck.

Will Lady Gaga and Lady Antebellum ever get together for a duet?

My Kingdom For A Clue

2010-09-20T18:28:00.001-07:00

I don't know who pisses me off more. Is it the woman at the farmer's market yesterday that paid for four bucks worth of strawberries with a $100 bill? I had to wait while the vendor dug into every imaginable crevice to come up with change. Or is it the shit for brains that was clipping his fingernails onto the locker room floor today at my posh club? Those two were made for each other. Do I need to publish DJ's Book of Etiquette?

Running for the Senate is no picnic. Christine O'Donnell bailed on her Sunday morning talk shows because she had to attend one. She might have been able to make it if she didn't have to do her voice exercises. She warbled her rendition of That Old Black Magic at yesterday's event.

We had dinner at my house Saturday whilst the women were gone. The logy boys were particularly logy that night. At first I couldn't figure out why we were foundering but then realized we were missing a key member of the senior leadership team; The Exec. And I mean senior.

Congrats to The Banker on his new gig. Maybe he'll finally lend me some dough.

Logy Boys

2010-09-18T09:23:00.001-07:00

Yeah, yeah, I missed the SLA. What are you going to do about it? Stop reading these gems? I doubt it.

I guess all of you heard from me recently, to my chagrin. Ads for Viagra and Cialis ended up in your mailboxes due to some computer virus. I think I've killed it now. Its time for me to get a Mac.

I had lunch with the UK yesterday. He has kindly donated his third computer to my wife for use in the schools she works in. I gave thought to keeping it for myself, since its a Mac, but not even I am that callous. Close, but no cigar. By the way, if anyone's looking for a great ski rental, just click on his link on my blog.

So we had Japanese for lunch and then I got a burrito for dinner. I stopped at a the FC Chipotle since I had to get back to the house quickly, as I was on Sonny Boy 2 watch. The daughter deigned to come home for a half hour for a quick outfit change and then was off to a school dance. As I exited Chipotle, I caught a young skateboarder busting a rhyme outside Starbucks while his friends grooved on it. From a nearby table, a gentleman of my approximate age was giving him the hairy eyeball. But I don't judge. I did some crazy things in my youth. Bad rapping is no worse than wearing double knit slacks in public.

We had our annual post-Labor Day quilting bee in Tahoe this past weekend. The FC wives are up there this weekend. I expect to be terribly lonely.

I drove up with TCG and #1 last Thursday. We got a late start due to my babysitter having to cancel but #1's wife stepped in and saved the day. We hit some traffic in the city but it was smooth sailing after that. We had dinner and a couple pops at the Bridgetender in Tahoe City before turning in early.

The next day we got the boat out and went shopping to ensure we had lunch supplies for when The Exec and #2 arrived. We texted them to let them know vittles would be there for them. In typical fashion, the chuckleheads stopped for lunch in Truckee. We took the boat out again and headed to Chamber's Landing to have some Chambers Punch, which contains rum and God knows what else. This outing also gave The Exec an opportunity to leave his credit card there. He and I returned the next day via automobile to retrieve it. The main gates were closed so we were stumped. He pulled over to punch in the address into his GPS. It responded by stating: "Drive forward 20 feet and hang a left moron". When we got back I found out that TCG had given The Exec precise directions, which he ignored. I think it's pretty clear The Exec richly deserves the ridicule we heap upon him.

#1 whipped up some slow cooked Mexican pork for dinner Friday night. We spent a lot of time out on the deck as we were fortunate to get great weather. Martinis and Vespers were flowing freely but I stuck with beer. We had planned to go down to TCG's exclusive boat landing for dinner on Saturday night but ended up on the deck again. #2 manned the grill and we had some monster rib eyes along with brussel sprouts and baked potatoes. We shoveled the shit for hours then hit the hay. #2 made a point of telling me that what happens in Tahoe stays in Tahoe. We agreed to agree.

I Got Your SLA Right Here

2010-09-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

With a short work week, some family responsibilities, and the fact that I'm taking off to Tahoe this afternoon for a boy's weekend, I'm afraid I won't be able to hit the SLA.

Hold on. Does this post count? I think so. If you disagree, maybe posting this recipe will fulfill my obligations.

http://tinyurl.com/ycjj63m

The blog is going in a new direction, a la Julie and Julia. I plan to do every recipe in Epicurious. I expect to finish a couple weeks before my 90th birthday. This particular one is fresh in my mind. I made a bucket full of this stuff Sunday since we had volleyball games etc. Plus there will be leftovers for Thursday when I'm not here. Sometimes I wonder how my wife gets along without me when I'm out of town.

London Calling

2010-09-03T16:04:00.000-07:00

I thought I had mentioned in a previous post that we got a new phone a while back, replete with caller ID, but a blog search ends up with bupkis. This gives our household a late 20th century update. We now have the ability to ignore all the calls originating from toll free numbers or "unknown callers". However they don't seem to take the hint after continually getting the boring message on my machine.

Anyhoo, I've been feeling a little impish lately, so when one of those unwanted calls come in, I've been answering "Pinky's Pizza" - a nod to my bud Dr. Joe - or "Department of Miscellaneous Information". I then hear crickets. Readers, I need to know if this makes me a bad person. I sincerely hope not. I like to think of myself as a good husband and father, a loyal friend, and a minimally invasive co-worker.

Chronically Moronic

2010-08-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

I'm pissed. I hear skinny jeans are on their way out. And this is right after I bought a pair to go with my hip hop abs.

After my last post, 4M pointed out that the "Starbucks handle" has been in existence for a while.

http://tinyurl.com/2fx9pap

I also forgot to mention that he noticed my new hairdo, as my FC pals did last night. What an ego boost! I'm walking on sunshine.

We had a Peru trip meeting last night at The Exec's house. A bunch of us plan to go to Machu Picchu next June. One group will be doing a several day hike while the others will hang in Lima and Cuzco and then take a train to the Incan icon. This latter group is referred to as the "watchers and eaters". I think #1 came up with that one. I like it! We opened with Pisco Punch and everybody made a great South American dish, including Churrasco with Chimichurri Sauce, a primo quinoa salad, and a fish soup and chicken dish which I didn't catch the name of, but nonetheless enjoyed immensely. These were all paired with a fine Argentinian Malbec. My wife and I teamed up to provide Leche Asada for dessert. The only downside of the night was the discussion of altitude sickness. No Pisco Punch for you DJ.

Hot Enough For You?

2010-08-25T17:24:00.001-07:00

I can't take the heat. I'm a weather wimp.

I got a comment on my last post from AMS, who represents the vast majority of my international readership. Big Brother is indeed watching. She was referring to my Statcounter mention. This tool tells me how many hits I get and where they come from. On the days I see goose eggs, I fall to pieces. Since September 2006 I've had 22,974 hits, 288 this month alone. Can you say monetize?

Have you ever been stuck behind a gaggle of teenagers ordering up a heap of frappuccinos at Starbucks? It happened to me today. For this reason, as well as the Seattle behemoth's - Seattle's Beast? - weak brew, I prefer Peets. But I was on my way to 4M's house to pick up my tomato bounty and I had to settle.

Any number of topics will come up when 4M and I get together. Forty years of bitterness tends to engender that. He explained to me his concept of the "Starbucks handle" so one does not have to use their real name. His is Bob. He said he wanted to create a large symbol to carry with him on his coffee runs so he could say "My name is this unpronounceable symbol". I then enacted the clerk's reaction, slugging him before grabbing two beers and jumping down the emergency chute. Did I ever mention I have one of those chutes in my cube?

The garden is now in full bloom. I'll be heading back to downtown San Jose for my love apple fix soon enough. TK and The UK want some too, but they ain't getting any.

Spiral Sliced

2010-08-21T08:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if my local readers have noticed the recent changes along El Camino in Belmont. The HoneyBaked store is gone and has been replaced by Bay Area Boxing. The resourceful owners hung up some of the former tenant's leftover product to use as punching bags for the junior boxers, a la Rocky, in which he pummeled sides of beef for fight prep. Some may think this training method is ham-handed, but I beg to differ.

The former eBay CEO's latest radio ad opens with::

Meg Whitman takes a stand on stopping wasteful spending.

Beautiful! I almost hurled when I heard that one. Once we see the second coming of Governor Moonbeam, she'll realize that the $100 million plus that she's spent of her own fortune was a waste as well.

Lastly, who was the Santa Monican on my blog at 3:30 this morning? If its a new fan, it will push my readership into double digits.

Quinoa

2010-08-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

We're a groovy bunch at the DJ household. We've been eating quinoa, pronounced keen wah, of late. The Incas referred to it as the mother grain. And for you folks that care about this type of thing, its gluten-free.

We had it last night with some salmon fillets I grilled just right. We've had it before but last night we had red quinoa, which my daughter decided was not for her. She said it looked like carpeting. I took exception to that. I had sauteed some onions to add to it. I found it to be quite savory and plush.

Boys Will Be Boys

2010-08-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

My bud TCG was trying to organize an outing to the farmer's market this past weekend, but he wasn't able to gather too many of our cronies. I was in Santa Rosa visiting The Poughkeepsie Kid and family. #1 couldn't make it because he was roughing it in the wilderness, paddling down a river and fighting off woodland creatures. I think TCG is planning to make these type of events a regular thing. I got an email today about getting together tomorrow at The Hillsdale Mall to do some shoe shopping. I can't wait until we head down to the Gilroy outlets.

Contest The Contest

2010-08-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Both of the finalists in the World Sauna Championships were rushed to the hospital, where one of them died. Its just a matter of time until someone busts a gut, literally, at a Major League Eating event. Whether you are slow roasting yourself or destroying your gastrointestinal system, I don't think the word championship or any other sports reference applies. Unfortunately you can't outlaw stupidity.

Usual Drivel

2010-08-05T16:12:00.000-07:00

I've been getting the cold shoulder at work lately. I think it might have something to do with a recent all hands meeting we had. During a Q and A session with senior IT leadership, I asked them if they had given any serious thought to investing in the Magic Jack for our corporate telecom infrastructure.

Kim Kardashian's 12 and 14 year old half-sisters have gotten into the modeling biz. I think the family's mantra is "Screw 'em up as early as possible."

I gotta go work on dinner. #2 is coming over. I told him to bring dessert. I bet he shows up with a Charleston Chew or a box of Goobers.

Rhinebeck

2010-07-31T07:28:00.001-07:00

To my dismay, I was not invited to Chelsea's wedding. However, I have spent time in Rhinebeck, although its been almost 30 years. It was there, one beautiful early fall day, that I got picked up hitchhiking by Barney Martin, the actor who played Jerry's father on Seinfeld. He was a friendly resident of that quaint town.

There was a great old timey smoke shop on the corner of Route 9 and East Market, the town's main street. There we'd buy the great papers of the day; The Poughkeepsie Journal, The Middletown Times Herald-Record, The Kingston Freeman and, on the occasional Sunday, The New York Times. I also frequented the breakfast joint across the street, which is probably long gone. The patisserie, or whatever has replaced it, is doing a bang up business as I write.

I never hung at The Astor Courts but I do remember having a few beers on the lawn of The Vanderbilt Mansion a few miles south. There's a lot of history in the area. New York's original capital, Kingston, was across the Hudson. It was in that city's old Rondout neighborhood that I lived for the majority of the time I spent there. It had been gutted by urban renewal but was on the comeback trail in the early 80s. Per Wikipedia, it "is home to a large number of art galleries." I guess they had to wait until I split for it to really take off.

That's all folks. I need to hit the SLA and I got stuff to do today. Learn to embrace the mediocre post.

Love Has No Pride

2010-07-24T13:20:00.001-07:00

is a great tune, written by Eric Kaz and Libby Titus, covered by Linda Rondstadt and Bonnie Raitt, among others. Most of you are probably not familiar with it. That is because you are heathens. It opens thusly:

I've had bad dreams too many times,
to think that they don't mean much any more

So what the hell does that have to do with anything DJ? I'll tell ya!

I had a bad dream earlier this week. I ended up kicking my wife. In the dream, I was trying to kick a zombie in the face. What's the difference, you ask? Oh, gentle readers, she's not going to appreciate your sardonic inquiries.

My Beautiful CPAP

2010-07-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

Back when I used to go to movies, a single and aimless young man, I caught a flick called My Beautiful Launderette. I recall enjoying it. The details escape me but that title has always stuck with me. Gosh, I hope that clears things up somewhat.

Tuesday night I had my first decent night's sleep in several days. I came home from a trip to Portland Friday 7/9 and left the CPAP in The Banker's car when he dropped me at PDX. He caught the error and called me, but I was half way through the security line and blew it off since my wife would be able to pick it up in Seattle. Never again! I've arrived at the age that requires medical devices to be hooked up to me on a daily basis. I could drop 20 lbs., get my tonsils removed and stop drinking, but that seems radical. When I got home, I sent a note out to my village friends because I thought there was a loaner CPAP floating around Foster City, but I found out #2 has adopted it as his own.

I was in Portland for The End of the Trail tournament with my daughter. This is the fourth straight, and final, year we attended this event. She played hoops and I watched. A lot of college coaches were there. They even got their own special section to sit in. I had a good time hanging out with the parents, i.e. The Banker, Maverick and The Iceman. You'll have to reference my 7/13/08 blog to find those last two characters. However, as with all great literature, re-reading my past posts is highly recommended.

We stayed at the Embassy Suites so we had a free breakfast and a free happy hour daily. I saw a few folks help themselves to about a pound of bacon and/or sausage to go with their cheese omelets before waddling back to their table. I love bacon, like any red-blooded American, but restrained myself admirably, taking two or three slices. The happy hour was pretty good. You couldn't get the top shelf booze I'm accustomed to, but it sufficed. The trail mix was OK but I still cannot fathom why anyone touches that molten,canned cheese product that goes on alleged nachos. I think it could be better used as spackle.

Alright, enough about the food. I rode with The Banker to and from most of the games. Since the rental car was equipped with satellite radio, we got into a game of Name That Tune. Actually it was Name That Artist. Each decade had its own channel so we went from the 50's through the 90's. I did pretty well, pulling Oingo Boingo out at the last minute. I'm proudest of naming the Royal Guardsmen, maker of a few Snoopy hits in the 60s. Obscure and useless information is my specialty.

We saw some excellent basketball. The girls took their bracket and then beat another bracket winner. They entered the last game 6-0, before finally falling to a stacked So Cal team. The stands were loaded with coaches for that game, with many eyes on the opponent's guard. Our girls never gave up. They played solid team basketball and all of them stepped up with their best effort. I think we'll be seeing them on the court long after high school.

Odds and Ends

2010-07-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Its free slurpee day folks. Run, don't walk.

http://www.7-eleven.com/Locator.aspx

I'm bound by the SLA to post today, as I was reminded Friday night via conference call with the village boys. I'm not quite ready to document my fab Portland trip or discuss anything else of substance, but there's always celebrity crapolla to make fun of.

People informed us a few weeks ago that Celine Dion found pregnancy "physically and emotionally exhausting". Why dimwits like her act like they are the only ones to experience this is beyond me. By the way, excuse the sermonizing, but having twins with a 68 year old cancer survivor strikes me as a tad bit irresponsible.

I saw on Letterman recently that Kim Kardashian now has a wax figure at Madame Tussaud. I agree with him that they both have a big butt and don't do anything.

It looks like Rihanna is ready to go straight to the pool after her concert.

Scan Card

2010-07-04T08:39:00.001-07:00

I love Safeway, but I spent about ten minutes more than I had to there yesterday. If something is going to go wrong, it will certainly happen in the line I've chosen. I think they need to consult with the genius who came up with the velvet rope idea that banks use, so you get the next available teller as opposed to getting stuck behind some old lady cashing in five years worth of pennies.

Yesterday an error occurred in front of me during the checkout process. The cashier did her level best, banging on the keys several times to try to void the pesky sale in question. When this did not work, she requested a scan card. Apparently these scan cards are in short supply. Why each cashier is not equipped with one is beyond me, but I am not an expert in the grocery industry.

The task of procuring the scan card was relegated to at least one of the baggers. One went away and then came back and asked if the cashier needed a scan card. I thought we had already established that fact but perhaps my impatience had colored my perception. At that point I said, in stentorian voice, "A scan card, a scan card, my kingdom for a scan card." Actually I kept my mouth shut but the guy behind me started grumbling a bit. I didn't want to exacerbate the situation. I could envision the cashier checking out my grapes individually to get back at me.

It turns out the issue was that the woman in front of me had mixed two different types of fruit in one bag. I understand now that when this is done, it creates a time warp. Since this was only discovered after the checkout process was complete, the woman was summarily sent to customer service to fix it.. Anyone familiar with Safeway knows what a black hole that is.

Bond, James Bond

2010-07-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

When I first saw this today, i had to ask myself "When did Sean Connery start managing a baseball team?"

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2010/07/02/sports/s215959D39.DTL

Adeus Brazil

2010-07-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

Wow! Are you people overcome with World Cup Fever! Yeah, me neither.

It has been a relatively boring week. I have no stories about dog poop or door to door religious fanatics. However, I did catch this guy taking a smoke break in the neighbor's yard.

Damn, I bet Chairman Brezhnev is red faced about this latest Russian spy scandal. Wait, what the hell decade are we in? Did you know that Brezhnev and The Rifleman were buddies? No shit. Wikipedia told me so.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Connors

While we're on the topic of Russians, I encountered a leading member of the USSR (see 5/16/09 post) at my posh club today. I couldn't see a thing as I entered the steam room, but in a few minutes things cleared up. It was just me and him, and he had his face completely covered with eucalyptus leaves. I couldn't tell if he was giving himself a facial or was just shy.

My Hood

2010-06-25T16:43:00.001-07:00

I have to keep this brief because a buddy is holding my place in the iPhone line.

I'm thinking of moving.

I came home today with my wife and there was a flock of zealots right in front of my house. I'm not sure if they were Jehovah's Witnesses or some other variety, but I didn't want to chance an encounter, so I went to park a house up. After they moved along, I made a couple u-turns to get back in front of my house. Unfortunately there were still two lingering in my doorway. Tricky bastards. I sat out front, averting eye contact, wondering what to do next, with the wife cackling at my indecision. I then pulled away and drove around the block. When I came back, they had made their way up the street. A deep sense of relief came over me.

Earlier this week, we were driving up our street. There was an older couple walking Fifi. The man was standing aside with a bag of dog doody. His missus was stooped over, wiping the dog's butt. Puhleeeeze!!

Be grateful you don't live in my neighborhood.

Maui

2010-06-17T17:49:00.000-07:00

The SLA weighs heavily upon me as I sit here today. #1 has been checking the blog on a daily basis, awaiting output as though I were some sort of a factory. I'm a human being, damn it! The virtual breathing down my neck is based on the fact that I spent last week with him and our families in Maui. He thinks this post is going to be all about him, a hagiography of sorts. That's not going to happen.

So things started out well. The cabbie showed up about fifteen minutes early and my daughter had not gotten home from one of the many standardized tests she's taking these days. We got the vehicle loaded up and she got home in a timely manner. As the driver was turning around, he managed to drive into the curb, but fortunately the tire remained inflated. I got taken for an extra sawbuck because it was a mini-van. That's the last time I'm calling that cab company.

We were a little overweight on the bags at check in so we took out a few of the many books I didn't read on vacation. However, we were still about four pounds over so my wife pulled out the special needs card. "But we have to have all his toys in there" or something to that effect. We do all our toy shopping at Down Syndrome Cast Iron Toys Inc.

The #1s stayed at The Westin in Kaanapali and we were in a nearby condo. We made a Safeway stop on the way there, forgetting that the rental car was already practically full. We all drove out of there with stuff on our lap but we had all the makings of a fine vacation, as well as some food. Dinner that first night was at the Hula Grill. They had made a reservation for four for their family but the wife and I snaked in at the last minute and sent their kids away with ours. With copious cash of course. Pretty good chow there and we made a return visit later in the trip.

The entire crew hit several different beaches on the island and experienced some fantastic snorkeling. We also had an excursion to Molokini, which according to Wikipedia, is a "crescent-shaped, partially submerged volcanic crater". I popped a Dramamine for the ride out so I was not at the top of my game, but enjoyed it nonetheless. Not as much as #1 though, who had a couple beers for breakfast. We saw lots of brightly colored fish and I even espied an eel, or unagi as I like to call them. On the way in we got to view several sea turtles.

One of the trip highlights was a zip line extravaganza. I'm not crazy about heights but I came out relatively unscathed. There was a total of 11 on our tour, including a family of four from Sacramento. I was hanging on for dear life the first couple times around but the guide told me to chill, and I did. We traversed a total of eight lines. #1's SB2 was a natural at it. I'll take lessons from him next time around.

My bud TK was in the area a while back for his 25th anniversary and he steered me to Aloha Mixed Plate, which was a fine recommendation. I had my first and second Mai Tais there. The combo of outside dining, a solid happy hour and good food and service brought us back there as well. But the big adults only dinner was at Mama's Fish House. We planned it just right to catch the sunset. When we arrived there was a wedding party taking pictures by the sea and we followed in their footsteps before heading to the bar, where #1 and I got a Grey Goose martini. The bartender pulled out a little bottle and sprayed each of them. I was wondering if this was a special Binaca martini but then realized he used this little vermouth spray to make it extra dry. #1 and I like our martinis desiccated. The guy gave us a hell of a pour. I found out why when we got the bill. $18 a piece! Holy crap. I thought I was getting clipped when I paid $13 at the Ghost Bar in Vegas. I'll stop whining now to let you know that the dinner was outstanding.

One day the wife and I had SB2 out at the beach and the waves were getting a little rough. We were having quite a bit of fun and I was rolling around, letting them hit me and not making too much of an effort to get up. Before I knew it a couple guys were trying to help me up. I was then sternly told, by a not particularly athletic looking middle aged woman, that this was a dangerous beach and that she had seen people die here. Which begs the question, "What the hell are you doing here?" But I figured her intentions were good so I kept my mouth shut.

We wrapped things up Saturday. The #1s had to be out of their room by 11 so they spent the rest of the day at our place. We managed to finish off most of the food but the cleaning lady got a gift of partial bottles of Ketel One and Tanqueray. We headed out in the late afternoon and had our last Maui meal together at Paia Fish Market. I had a lot of really good fish on this trip but I think the piece I had here was the best. I looked on in envy as #1 had a pint but he could rely on a snooze in his first class seat. My family flies economy. We all made back to the Bay Area early Sunday morning. We'll be doing it again.

Ga?!

2010-06-11T17:09:00.000-07:00

What the hell is this, an H.R. Pufnstuf character?

Going Global

2010-06-04T17:43:00.000-07:00

I got a hit from Slovenia this week. The Hotelier has helped me expand my audience. I already have an international readership but every little bit helps.

For those of you that religiously follow my FB page, you're well aware that I take SB2 to the natatorium regularly for some quality time and exercise. He needs to be watched pretty closely as he likes to reach out and pinch the smaller swimmers. There's no malice aforethought. Its just his way of saying, "How the heck are ya?" We were there Monday and I was tracking him pretty closely. There was a bunch of kick boards and other junk some knuckleheads left floating about, so I grabbed it and put it on the side of the pool. As soon as I turned around the theme from Jaws started playing loudly in my head as I saw him heading directly for some eight year old. Another couple feet and there would have been trouble.

Now for a word about ass gaskets. You know what I'm referring to, those circular tissues you find in some restrooms to cover the toilet seat. The ones at work say "provided by the management for your protection". While I am verklempt that the senior leadership team cares so much about my hiney, I don't use them. I just usually slather on a pint or so of Purell before I ascend the throne. Now the reason I bring this up is I was sequestered earlier this week and my stall mate started prepping his seat. He pulled out one gasket, then a couple more. At one point I got the feeling he was building a fort. I should have just slid him my economy size bottle of Purell.

Aloha peeps

Big E

2010-05-30T11:58:00.001-07:00

Last night was a big one at the graduation party for The Hotelier's son. Their family mirrors ours, a description which they might not find flattering. We both have 20 year old college boys spending our money out of state and 17 year old girls spending our money right here in California. We each also have a younger son with Down Syndrome, which was the first bond between the wives. This celebration was for their younger son, Big E, who became a high school graduate this week. The majority of a very proud village was at the luau themed event to celebrate with the family, friends and dedicated teachers.

We met up with #1 and family in the parking lot and got our leis at the entrance to the party, which is quite fitting as we'll be flying to Hawaii together next weekend. As usual, I was at my wife's beck and call, ready to procure her a cocktail immediately. She wanted a martini and I was hoping they had Gilbey's in a plastic jug. Unfortunately only top shelf booze was available so her choices were Tanqueray Ten or Bombay Sapphire. I got a Grey Goose and we were off.

The appetizers were a fine array of salumi and fromage. You know, what we used to call cold cuts, just much more high end. Since the host is the GM of the hotel where the event was held, I figured I'd have the run of the place. After a couple pops we sat down to dinner. Unfortunately The Exec was back in Pittsburgh, so we could not enjoy his company, but we were seated at the same table as his wife, daughter and her boyfriend. The daughter's boyfriend, not the wife's. The boyfriend sat by #1, TCG and myself. On behalf of The Exec, we grilled him relentlessly.

Dinner was burgers and fries for the kids and me. The adults got salmon, roast beef, herbed wild rice and asparagus. Two thumbs up. After the meal dancing erupted. It took me a while to warm up but I eventually flew the freak flag. I had a romantic cheek to cheek with my wife and then the upbeat tunes came on. At one point, the aged back had a momentary lapse and I ended up on my butt. But I am a determined, albeit awkward, dancer, and I was back on my feet in no time, doing my best to Beyonce's Single Ladies. I had numerous opportunities to dance over to my daughter, to her unending mortification.

We also had a break for a Big E slide show. The pictures brought back memories for all. At one point I glanced over at his siblings, whose pride and love for their bro was written all over their faces. I've seen that look before. Priceless.

Cineaste

2010-05-29T08:39:00.001-07:00

4M sent me this link to put me hip to the fact that SATC2 is a must see. I'm rounding up the village people for a Sunday matinee. Actually a few of them may be hung over then so if I was a true friend, I would not add to their misery. There's a big high school graduation luau tonight for The Hotelier's Sonny Boy 2. I'll be letting my freak flag fly. A good time is guaranteed for all. Big congrats to the grad!

http://tinyurl.com/38jxyqv

Light Me

2010-05-27T16:45:00.000-07:00

Its one of those days when I really got nothing to say but I'm going to say it anyway.

There's a 2 year old kid in Sumatra that smokes two packs of butts a day. Reprehensible. I waited until I was 13 and kept it under a pack a day.

They're working on the top kill as we speak. Bill Nye explains it for my readers.

http://tinyurl.com/3x86cbg

My buddy Unc came over Sunday to help me patch a wall. He was 20 minutes late but I didn't give him any crap. He knows I use him for his handyman skills but he doesn't mind because he's so desperate for my friendship. We went up to the big city for a bar mitzvah reception at the Italian Athletic Club Saturday night. It was an open bar so Unc and I took full advantage of that. We ran into an old bud of ours from the Wolverine/Unc/DJ days of yore that we hadn't see for a few decades. An overall good weekend.

It sounds like my girl aced her exams so she earned the dinner at Celia's tonight that she talked me into at some point. She and SB2 wrapped up school today. I usually work from home on Fridays but I'll be heading down to the valley about 6am tomorrow.

I can't take it. Why did Christina Aguilera cancel her summer tour? Why?

Curb Your Enthusiast

2010-05-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

After a tough day of cube jockeying and paper shuffling, I arrived home. Glistening in the late afternoon sun to welcome me was a fresh, medium sized dog turd on my front sidewalk. It gets better. Once I get in the house, wifey tells me that Sonny Boy 2 just did the same thing to his bedroom carpet that that cur did to my sidewalk. Fortunately it was on SB1's watch, so he dealt with it. Then my wife slipped him a $20 so he could go to In N' Out Burger with #1's SB1. I guess he worked up an appetite during his hazmat duty. Lastly, my wife heads to the gym so I can attend to dinner chores.

And after a day like that, I have to hear the news that Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato have split up.

Kentucky Kernel

2010-05-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

It's annual review time at work. I'm hoping for the best but I'm a little nervous. They've recently moved me down to the basement and taken away my stapler.

The FC boys are really bored because they are reminding me of the SLA.
#1 will be coming home from his Asian sojourn this weekend. We'll be heading to his house for a group hug. We're not letting #2 join in since he dissed us and went against our restaurant recommendation.

Rand Paul has apparently opened his mouth and inserted his foot. He's opposed to parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. How smart can any politician be that says something like that. He's also calling Obama's criticism of BP "really un-American". Gosh, accidents just happen. Dr. Paul is an accident and we can crank up Elvis Costello's Accidents Will Happen as we watch his candidacy implode.

I got some big news yesterday from The Wig. His oldest boy just got into med school. Now I've got somebody lined up for when my doctor retires in 10 or 15 years. Congrats T!

Blame People

2010-05-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

I had planned to make a cynical crack about the BP cabal being in as much trouble as the Goldman Sachs boys. The actual consequences will probably be minimal, but it sure as hell feels good to see Obama railing against the farcical blame game that played out earlier this week. When push comes to shove, the weenies in the corporate corner offices will turn on each other in a heartbeat.

I was going to take advantage of the fact that my pal #1 was in Mumbai and Singapore to try to evade my SLA, but my conscience got the best of me.

#2 was looking for a good restaurant for his anniversary but it had to be in San Carlos. We all gave him a load of shit before recommending the Village Pub in Woodside.

The big boy came home Wednesday. I figured he deserved a good steak dinner after college food for the last four months. We have a full house for the next three months. He's already mowed the lawn. Good kid!

Your Special Day

2010-05-08T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have a few mothers that are readers so I'd like to get ahead of the curve and wish you a Happy Mother's Day now. I am of the mind that a single day is not enough. It should at least be a weekend. There's only one thing that is keeping me from turning this entire weekend into an extravaganza for my wife. I fear the swift and fierce retribution of Hallmark.

I went for a quick swim during my lunch hour yesterday, not that lunch hours really exist anymore. Fortunately, there was one lane open. All the rest were occupied by humans, except one. A duck had decided to alight and was doing laps for about 10 minutes before taking off.

I was on my way home from a relatively uneventful trip to Safeway today. From afar I saw someone with what appeared to be a Superman costume over their shoulder. As I got closer I realized it was a graduation gown. The colors were spot on, a blue gown with a red sash. No graduations for us this year but one each in 2011 and 2012, hopefully. My bud The Wig is having two pretty soon. Congrats to both J and D.

Big Fun, Big Thanks

2010-05-04T19:55:00.000-07:00

The boys of suburbia took me up to the city by the bay Saturday night for birthday 53. We stayed at #1's new pied–à–terre in Corona Heights, above the Castro. Once the high end renters move in, we'll be personae non gratae, so we needed to take advantage of the situation posthaste.

TCG, The Exec and #2 rode up with me in the Volvo on a beautiful late afternoon. I assured them that the hand brake worked 80% of the time, which put them immediately at ease. #1 had been up there all day toiling, so he was ready for our arrival. After a quick tour of the two units, he mixed up a heap of what is quickly becoming the village's new cocktail: The Vesper.

DJ says give one a try.

http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/drink/views/Vesper-350784

Our dinner destination was North Beach. We called a few cab companies but the mini-van we were hoping for was non-existent, so we got two cabs, after wandering up and down the hill a few times trying to decide if we wanted to hop the 37 Corbett. “Don't forget to ask for a transfer” I was a fan of public transport in my 80's SF days, but now I'm soft and I like cabs.

We put our name in at Tony's Pizza and headed out for a drink, because the wait is always an hour. #1 told me this place beats Amici's, which is the only decent choice for pizza in my neck of the woods. He is correct. Tony's serves serious pie.

http://www.tonyspizzanapoletana.com/index.php

So we had time and a thirst to to kill. We sauntered up Stockton. #1 found us a bar while the other guys decided to do some hat shopping. Two guys walked out with new hats. Thankfully there was not a shoe shop on the block. I hang out with ladies.

http://www.goorin.com/hat-shops/san-francisco-north-beach

We ended up at Joey and Eddie's for our pre-dinner snort. It was a ghost town. I checked the Chron review and they said the chow was pretty good, so I'm not sure why this North Beach haunt is going south. Regardless, there was plenty of room at the bar for the Foster City Five. We all took a stool face front until TCG figured out that we could gaze into each others eyes if we some of us occupied the bend in the bar. Thanks for that moment TCG.

The numbers and TGC continued with Vespers and the Pittsburgh born and bred Exec switched to beer, although he would have preferred Iron City to Stella. Since it was Kentucky Derby Day, I had the barkeep pour me a Knob Creek.

Dinner at Tony's was a slice, so to speak. We got a couple salads to start and three pies for the table. We could have easily polished off a fourth but opted for a tiramisu and some after dinner drinks. We chatted up the pastry chef, who was a former commodities trader in NY. He followed his passion and came out here to cook. I followed my passion and ordered a grappa. The Exec was kind enough to buy a few shots for the wait staff, on us. Or at least on him and the other three, because the boys were not taking my dough that night.

We spent about half an hour trying to flag down a couple hacks. We were at a disadvantage as the competition was significantly younger and prettier than us. We hit the rack about midnight.

The next day The Belgian joined us. He doesn't get out much so it was a special treat. We had a fine brunch at Zazie. 12 thumbs up. We were first on the list so we got a prime table on the back patio. TCG had a bowl of latte and #2 eschewed the Bloody Marys so he wouldn't nod out on us. After the chow down, we packed up and headed back to the burbs.

http://www.zaziesf.com/zaziesf/home.html

Molto grazie amici!!